Anti-Cool

I'm Glad the Internet Gives Everyone a Chance to Be Heard, But I Still Wish People Would Shut the Fuck Up Sometimes

2009-08-06T01:56:00.002-04:00

Rage. It's like cocaine for people who know better, isn't it? Nothing is more invigorating that perusing YouTube and reading about people saying religion is for people who would suppress science, when these same people still believe space and time are two separate things altogether. This isn't about anything as pretentious and uncouth as religion though, a person's private beliefs are theirs and theirs alone.

I used to be a writer for both www.uraniummusic.com and maelstrom.nu, writing about music. They were both eye-opening experiences, and a pretty nasty look inside the world of actual journalism. Admittedly, whenever I read any place doing critical or journalistic work, I tend to be lenient. It's a tough job keeping the fickle population of the 21st century happy word-for-word, and getting death-threats after saying an album with a heavy marketting push "just isn't that great" will give you a quick lesson in how nasty things can be. Still, though, I read certain things that I just can't let go.

I can vivdly recall the days of playing Bump'n'Jump on my father's ColecoVision many moons ago, and the day my hands grasped a Genesis controller ready to take on Sonic 2 was a day that I was changed forever. Games have advanced in leaps and bounds since then, and these days it's no longer a niche thing. If you don't eat Cheetohs while using the P90 with double-tap on Call of Duty 4, you're behind the times. However, I feel like I'm part of a dying breed of gamer. Not to sound like I'm trying to identify myself with over-priced miniature PC's built with DRM in mind, but there isn't anything I isolate myself with. I remember spending my time speed-running through Metal Gear Solid in the 90's during the day, and spamming "show me the money" on Starcraft at night. To this day, I'm still amazed how people can spend all of their time on Team Fortress 2, raising their brows high above console titles that they feel to be inferior (Gears of War withstanding, shit's pretty inferior (I kid, I kid (But seriously though, Gears of War is too brotastic for me))).

Where this segues into journalism is this: gaming blogs and newsfeeds have superceded tech sites such as Slashdot; it's clear where the public mind is set. From being involved with writing, there're normally two ways to approach journalism when it comes to consumerist products:

First--and most frequently--you have the everyman, John Doe writers. These guys don't let their own opinion of games interfere with things, because they're seeing it as if they're trying to sell you something. Monster Hunter Freedom Unite may be one of the most rewarding games in years, but not everyone is man enough to deal with there not being a lock-on button. Regardless of whether or not it's in context, these guys are trying to garner readers and establish a certain credibility. While I can't blame them, you easily realize how easily that mentality can marginalize things in the long run.

Second, you have the authors trying to relegate games into the niche category. One read through Kotaku, and you can easily get the idea that it's garbage. I don't care about staff e-mails, and I don't give a shit that Treyarch's lead producer on Call of Duty: World at War thinks one-shot kill sniper rifles are for fags. I don't go to this site for anything nonspecific. However, this breeds a much bigger issue. This raises the potential for journalists to emerge that guise themselves as having individual prerogatives or different takes on things, when that couldn't be further from the truth. It's a venue for masturbation via-lexicon, where you can safely enjoy the sound of your own tubby digits as they taka-taka-taka against the keyboard. You can convince people that yes, somehow Gunstar Heroes is inferior to Triggerheart Excelica and, oh yeah, make sure women have their hands around dirty dishes being cleaned, not an Xbox controller. I bet they'll even want to vote here soon.

When I write this blog, I don't intend on more than maybe one or two people reading it. While, I'd like to talk about video games, if I feel like elaborating on why Bianca Beauchamp's chest is a clear sign that art is alive and booming in this post-modern era (art is man-made, afterall...), I'll do so. When I say that I'm writing an honest opinion, it's clearly evident that it's the case because I don't expect anyone to read any of this. I do it because I both enjoy writing and grow weary of both of the above.

Of all the things that you could have an agenda about writing, why have one about video games? Is there really a reason to be elitist about items that practically don't exist in the first place? The sort of self-felatio is practically laughable, especially when you're butchering the English language while discussing lesbian Touhou in the process.

In the digital age when you can demo everything and easily hack whatever console, there is no excuse to base everything you read on websites that appeal to one or two people: assholes or idiots.

Alara Reborn, Esper Broken; I BioSuck; Desert Dancing

2009-05-31T11:34:00.004-04:00

There are a lot of things I'm ashamed of, but it's nothing like my fetish for BDSM. I mean, how terrible is it anyway? No, the things that are embarrass me are my inability to remove myself from any conversation that's political, musical and Magic.

I played years ago, but recently picked it back up only to remember why I put it down. The art is infinitely better this time around (goodbye apes, gorillas and... apes), and I'm not just saying that to be flattering. When Ashley Wood decides to contribute to anything, I'm almost always on board. Anyway, Conflux is officially out of print, a set that seemed pretty underwhelming in contrast to Shards of Alara. Maybe it's just me, but outside of a few cards that I just cannot live without, another Matca Rioters or Canyon Minotaurs and I probably would've burned my stash (that's a lie). However, I didn't think that Esper, the deck full of artefact creatures, could get anymore broken.

Oh wow, was I wrong. Bant was pretty bad, but Esper was what you wanted to play when you didn't mind being the absolute cock of the table. These days, it feels almost like an unnecessary slaughter. Bant got worse, sure, but Esper has nasty combos that don't take an absolute genius or maverick to play (or pull off).

Here is a list of how to rule the table:

Master Transmuter. Got an Inkwell Leviathan that you want to get out before turn nine? How about a 7/11 with shroud, trample and islandwalk on turn four?

But, you don't have an Inkwell Leviathan, you say. This strategy would take too long to get your health-sap team of Sludge Striders and Parasitic Strixes out, you say. That's all fine, because you've got that taken care of.

Sure, you've still got x Ultimatums and Path to Exiles to worry about, but the idea is simple. Don't worry about the mana cost, pay a blue and tap Master Transmuter whenever to nullify any damage done during any turn.

Then, you'd say, your opponent will eventually get something to pull your Master Transmuter out of play, won't they?

Will they? Why should they? That's where Architects of Will comes in.

Don't ever let him get that Path to Exile or Martial Coup. Pull out Architects of Will with your Master Transmuter and put him back in the next chance you get. Make sure that Banefire is constantly three cards away from where they need it to be: in their hands.

That's not even the full extent of things, though. Arsenal Threshers with Doubling Season? Potential 16/16 for very little? Whew.

Anyway, time to move things on from a less nerdy note (I guess?). I've been on a personal campaign recently, a campaign to finish all the games I started but was always too much of a lazy douchebag to pull off. First on my list? BioShock.

I was kind of dreading it immediately, the last few times I remember playing it weren't pleasant to say the list. It felt like one of those mental blocks where you know you should be better, you just aren't. So, I accepted that I was terrible at this game and just decided to soldier on. I'm at Point Prometheus and things are just getting too unbearably tough. I'm to the point where I berserk my way out of the Vita-chambers and charge at whatever I can with a wrench (I was out of ammo constantly) to take off just a few more hit-points until I inevitably die.

Then, I strong-arm my way to the final boss and it's just too tough. After four hours of frustration, I cut it off and check the manual. There had to be something I was missing. Let's see hear, combat, plasmids, Adam...

Oh.

Oh.

I'm retarded. I hadn't retrieved any Adam from any of these children, save for the first. Humanity managed to attach themselves to a spine, walk upright, turn doorknobs and figure out how to deliver me tits at a decent enough 5 mbps connection. Yet still, some of us have too much of a problem reading sometimes.

Sigh. So, I manage to blow my way through the game in a day and do things the right way. Surely enough, I don't feel any less... non-simian for such an amazingly dull mistake, but at least I managed to put a game I should've beaten ages ago behind me. It's even worse when you think about it, considering it's one of the few FPS' that have such a well-written story, and... hell. It's pretty much not even a first-person shooter. If the phrase "damage resistance" appears anywhere in a game, you know where things are likely to head. Though, I can't help but think the "moral decisions" the game boasted about were just a little bit over-stated. Mathematically, the difference either path makes is minuscule at best, and the endings aren't really drastically different. Think Fallout 3 and the "He was a good man," then the "He was a bad man." Either way, it was a phenomenal experience that left only a few things to nitpick (no rolling over game saves with weapons and plasmids?). BioShock 2 is now on my must-plays, though.

Hopefully I can keep the update train rolling. Next time, I'll be on board to discuss Endless Frontier and some other things I've been working on.

Are You There?

2009-05-09T00:38:00.002-04:00

I know I'm a jerk, internet. It's been awhile since we've spoken, I know.. It's just, things have been really busy and frantic, so I haven't had a lot of time on my hands. You just aren't the priority you used to be, and I know I'm an asshole for saying that. Maybe we should just agree to move on and let time heal our wounds? Maybe small talk is the way to rebuilding? I hope so, because I don't.. want to think about how things would be without you.

You taught me that racism was still alive and well, and that black children will still play it regardless. When I think about the experiences you've endowed me with in Resident Evil 5 alone, I can't help but feel assaulted with emotion. The sheer hilarity of getting into rocket launcher duels with Bonnie, or the absolute frustration of always dying in the quicktime event on the ship with the Uroboros. And... yes, even some awkward motion in my pants area. Can you blame me though, internet?

This is not what you wear when you treasure hunt in Africa and expect not to get raped. Just saying.

I know I probably sound like a chauvenist pig, but it's not all raging hormones and pitched tents, I promise. It's a lot more child-like an innocent, too. Plants vs. Zombies? Such a joy you've bestowed upon me, the hours I've sank into this adorable little game.

This wonderful reskin of tower defense pits some of my favorite things in just one game. Zombies, shrooms, zombies plus lawnmowers, zombies plus inflatible rafts... You know exactly what I'm after when it comes to entertainment, and you even piled more onto it. The seemingly endless minigames that are so wonderfully unique (and occasionally infuriating, but I'm not perfect either) and the zen garden, which I can't stop wasting time on all seem worth much more than what it costs.

Maybe with time we can talk more, but I just thought you'd like to hear from me.

A Slight Delay

2009-02-27T05:52:00.004-05:00

So, I'm pretty terrible at updating. I realize this. Due to unforseen events like my laptop crapping out and my eyeball feeling like it's just before jetting from its socket, I've put things off a bit. Anyway, moving on.

I know I said this year would be full of Saturn goodies, but I'm going to have to reneg on that. I fucked it up big time, probably going to take a stab at it some time later this year. Picked up both Persona 4 and Dead Space, along with a PSP and many goodies. Unfortunately, all my time has started to sink into one thing: Team Fortress 2.

Admittedly, I'm a little late on the train. The Pyro, Medic and Heavy all had their updates out, which in Valve time is a few decades, so it's nothing new to read about. Rarely have I had so much fun with an FPS, though.
Admittedly, nearly the whole of any community for an FPS would be comprised of absolute dickheads, but along with Team Fortress 2's likable cartoony style comes along a group of rather nice people. Playing on a low-gravity server and bonk dueling in mid-air may feel intense, but it won't go without unanimous laughs across teamspeak. This is great for someone who's totally uncompetitive, like me. Unfortunately, like any first-person shooter, it does come with a few drawbacks.

Don't let the awesome fanart and faux-Australian accent fool you, as wonderful as the Sniper is to play, most of the cunts who choose the class all have the same strategy: "Aim for other Snipers, do Sniper-dance until one of us pulls off a headshot, repeat ad nauseum." Now, I'm fairly positive the "Team" part of "Team Fortress 2" isn't exactly cosmetic, but I'm willing to let things slide as long as the target you're taking out is high priority. Nine times out of ten, it isn't. It's the experienced player flaunting his twitch skills over a newcomer just to reinforce his dick size. I can't say I'm not guilty of doing the same off the bat, but at least these days I wait until the bald skull of the slow Heavy files right in front of my laser sight.

Ding! Critical Hit!

There's little worse than being dominated, though. Although explaining it might be kind of ridiculous, the concept is tired. If I am killed over and over again by the same opponent, I become dominated. While Team Fortress 2 isn't the most serious and grim of first-person shooters, it's insulting to say the least. It's situations like that where I'm glad this class exists, though: the Spy.
The idea is simple: I want your name off of the domination insignia when I check the scores, so I'm going to kill you. I get sort of vindictive and singular-minded, so I don't choose any class that actually helps. I choose the class I know that right after I murder you, I'm going to get killed as well. I don't care about anyone else though, I want you dead. These days, my favorite disguise is a Scout. With the update out and whatnot, Scout floods are a common occurrence. I mean, spewing fire on every Scout on the field would just waste your ammo. I take my time, go the long way around while cloaked. Right when I get under the spawn, I turn it off. Just looks like a regular team-member heading to the battlefield. I walk onto the battlements and see that familiar insignia of boxing gloves clashing above the head of a Heavy. He's spewing out lead without worrying about anything behind him. No Medic, no Pyro, no Soldier, just perfect. I kind of waltz around for a little while, make it look like I'm participating in the battle, then wait for his broad shoulders to overlap my view. Stab.

ZombieFutaLuvin got REVENGE on you.

No hard feelings, just certain things are intolerable.

Anyway, a proper update will be coming soon. Lots of stuff going on this year, and we're practically on the steps of RE5's release. Should have Street Fighter IV in about a week as well. I'll write about all that in a short while, just making sure I don't seem dead.

The Great Leap Forward

2008-12-18T17:28:00.003-05:00

So, the end of the year is coming up, and it's just a week before Christmas. While normally, I'd go on and on about what I've been doing when it comes to gaming, and I'll get to that. I also want to go on about what I'm looking forward to next year, and different things I'll be doing with the blog. I know I haven't been covering a lot of comics or music recently and have pretty much gone straight to gaming, but that'll change as soon as I actually have more music and comics to talk about. It's just been an exciting year for gaming (both new and old) with a lot to talk about.

Anyway, Persona 4 is out, and I've been playing that. I'll post more about it as I actually go in depth with it, still early on. Also, managed to grab a hold of the Resident Evil 5 demo, and I'm very excited about trying it on. I'll update with my impressions after Christmas.

As far as Christmas is concerned, I'll be getting a PSP, which means I'll be covering games for that in the future. All of the consoles save for the Wii should be getting some talk-time, so expect a broader range of updates. I'll also be focusing more on PC gaming, especially considering both Starcraft II and Diablo III will be released next year. I'll have a PC copy of Left 4 Dead very soon by way of a generous friend, and I'll be playing back through the old Fallout games, as well as other titles such as System Shock 2 and Vampire the Masquerade: Bloodlines. Hopefully, I'll pick up Oblivion and Fallout 3 at one point, so I can include neater updates involving community-made mods.

I'll also be posting pictures on this and my other blogs of how to mod a Saturn, and hopefully I'll be able to do more technical work with console modification in the future if everything goes well. This means I'll be posting more about older games some people might not've heard of or had the chance to play, and I'm excited about that.

Speaking of, I'll be recording video to compliment blogs that way the content will be a little more substantial. It'll be used to just show off general gameplay videos, or to go in detail about in-game instances that bear discussion.

At any rate, there are several titles I'm looking forward to next year. Street Fighter IV, Resident Evil 5, Starcraft II and Diablo III are a few I've already talked about, but outside of that, I'm looking forward to games like World Destruction and Infinitie Space for the DS, The Third Birthday and a few Level 5 titles for the PSP along with Patapon 2 and Monster Hunder Freedom 2G. Also, hoping a few MegaTen titles make it shore-side, such as Devil Survivor for the DS and Devil Summoner for the PS2.

Lastly, I'll also be doing a few serial articles on immersive games, such as Silent Hunter 3, Far Cry 2, Fallout, System Shock 2, STALKER and Vampire the Masquerade: Bloodlines. Hopefully, it'll be worth a laugh or interesting side-note here and there.

Also, I can see these days. Imagine that.

I BioSuck, F.U.C.K.E.R., Mesmerizing Mammaries and Feuer Frie

2008-12-05T12:05:00.000-05:00

It's December already, and not even a week until Persona 4 finally hits store, complete with all the pre-order goodies I'll be getting with it just like you should too. I'll practically be drowned in concept art and plushies and... I'm all gay just thinking about it. It does seem like November went by quick, though. I'm sure it has nothing to do with.. y'know.

Left 4 Dead. Ok, a bit more than Left 4 Dead, but either way. I had no doubt in my mind that this game would be an instant must-have title. After the anticipation and hype, it had a lot to live up to as any game would. There was talk of a brilliant AI system known as "the Director," the binary Tarantino of the digital world, which would change playthrough every single time. There was talk of four fairly lengthy single/cooperative multiplayer maps (the higher the difficulty, the longer the experience). There was talk of thousands and thousands of zombies. Sure enough, Left 4 Dead delivered in spades, and the only gripe I was left with was that it took until 2008 for people to be able to experience something like this.

The only way to have a bad experience is to poorly choose your team-mates, and the cooperative mechanic in Left 4 Dead is what makes me love it the most. See, the Director is a huge selling point to people who're out for a fresh experience every time, but soon enough you'll be wondering why it isn't named "the Asshole" instead. One of the things that I love about L4D is the potent music. Whenever a Tank or a Witch is coming, you can hear it. Distinguished noises (voiced by Mike Patton, which no one else seems to give a fuck about. Kids these days..) give away locations so you can prepare before getting jumped. Unfortunately, the Director likes to target players who're doing particularly well, or a group who isn't being challenged enough. So, corridors that were clear the playthrough before will suddenly become a new chateau for abominations, forcing your team to adopt a new dynamic without giving you time enough to think. I'm equally glad to have that challenge as I am frustrated that it happens.

I don't think I've milked it enough yet, though. So, more on that later. Ironically, whereas Fallout 3 is definitely secured GOTY for me, I've found myself lacking the confidence to finish the game. Hours stack up by the passing day, and it's been one of the longest investments time-wise that I've had since... Well. Since Pokemon Pearl. The thought of ending my ability to free-roam in an landscape as breathtaking as the Wasteland is horrifying to me, so I've been putting it off with other games I've been needing to try for awhile now. So, prepare yourself but nothing but a list of first impressions, save for one thing: BioShock.

See, my history with first-person shooters dates back to the golden year of Unreal Tournament: Game of the Year edition's release (first and best). So, every time I load up BioShock and see that lovely marking, that it's powered by Unreal technology, I feel warm and fuzzy inside. Then, I play the game and I'm reminded of exactly why I love PC over consoles for first-person shooters. It took me a long, long time to get used to Halo's control scheme, a personal crime I'd committed after vowing never to try first-person console shooters again after trying Unreal Tournament on the Dreamcast. Naturally, I picked it up being the cunt I am and ran with it. "Press B to melee" is what's going to be marked on my silent protagonist's grave come the end of my BioShock experience. I'll find myself having accidentally infuriated a Big Daddy and strafing during a retreat to save my life before I'm inevitably put down, due to trying to whack the bastard by pressing B as fast as I can. When I realize no wrench was swung, my jaw drops and I curse my Halo 3 case for what it's done to me. I love you Rapture, just let me live long enough to get to know you.

And I don't even like Halo.

Also, I finally broke down and gave Mass Effect a try. Not that I want it to sound like a bad thing at all, but I feel compelled to say this. Mass Effect's game-play is some of the most boring I have ever endured. I can appreciate the tactical element of it, but I can't imagine how you can make a game where shoot-outs between you and a rogue alien bent on the destruction of your race becomes absolutely joyless.

On the same token though, I have to appreciate the myriad of aspects about Mass Effect that make it such a worthy addition. When I went through my Star Wars phase, the story had precisely dick to do with what captivated me. The technology and the universe(s) of Star Wars were the things that sold me. The story is similar with Mass Effect, and it really helps that it's one of the most gorgeously-rendered games available now complete with a soundtrack that's 100% KORG. Way to appeal to the scifi nerds in all of us, Bioware. I'm impressed.

Beyond that, what's got me so in love with this game is the fact that speech, unlike Fallout 3, does not sound canned at all. The options for dialog your command wheel gives you not only gives you absolute freedom to establish yourself as either the biggest cunt or saint in the universe, but it's as if the words are coming from your own mouth.

"I'm sorry to hear about what happened to James, commander."
Hm. He was a soldier, he knew what the job meant.
"It's never alright to lose soldiers, but that's what happens in a war. He was a soldier, soldiers die."
Shitting dick nipples! This hot red-headed space marine with black lipstick is me!

It may sound like an irrelevant point to make, but the strength in western RPG's is the fact that they're really role-playing games. The character stopped becoming a detached, digitized hottie at that point and became Ryan with a vagina in some weird, gender-confused universe (further evidenced by the fact that Seth Green voices a burlesque and gruff character in the first five minutes), a power that many games lack.

Outside of that, as I said earlier about Fallout 3, the survivalist aspect of the game got me interested in S.T.A.L.K.E.R. (I will never repeat it with seven periods again). The game has made me realize how unstable of an operating system Vista is, and has affirmed that I will need to build my own PC in the next few months. After tinkering with hours with STALKER's graphical setting and compatibility, there is no way that a video card with 890 MB's of video memory can so poorly process a game like STALKER. So, I finally work a matching combination by running it in compatibility mode with Windows XP SP2 and cutting the graphics all the way down with no static lighting, and it runs acceptably. However, it pains me to have such a wide open setting as brilliant as a post-nuclear Russian wasteland around Chernobyl and Pripyat readily available, but at such a low quality of graphics. Sigh.

Anyway, after starting the game, I was faced with a plethora of problems. Immediately, STALKER became one of the most frustrating games I've played in a long, long time. You start out nearly naked, your only weapon being a terrible semi-automatic pistol. Fitting of course, until you accept your first assignment. An assignment I failed for three days. At first, I thought maybe I had become accustomed to toothless challenges. I sould sight in my pistol from afar and attempt to put a few rouns into an enemy yards away, only to see my bullets veering wildly off into the distance. Seeing this attention to detail and care to make STALKER less of a testosterone-fueled Hollywood scifi-action ride and more like a fight for life was immensely satisfying, even if it resulted in my constant failure. However, I play Armored Core willingly. I'll learn, even if it involves me dying thousands of times in the process. STALKER strangely didn't seem to be getting much easier the more time I put into it. I would hide behind objects and pounce on enemies, only to empty a full clip of eight rounds in their heads to see nothing except them pulling back a shotgun and erasing my existence in two spent shells.

After one specific time I'd scored myself an AK-47, I was executed in the same style and had enough. Something was awry, so I run to town to do a little experiment. I pull out the bolts the game gives you to aid in the process of finding artifacts and start gleefully flicking them at inhabitants. 70% of the time, they would pass through the characters. That's when I realized that a good bit of my frustration is the result of abysmal collision detection. I immediately saved, shut it down and installed the Oblivion Lost mod. I don't care if it's a completely different experience, I prefer to save myself inadvertent frustration and preserve the necessary ones, like not dying in radiation-infested fields.

Another game that's been eating my time has been Mugen no Frontier: Super Robot Taisen OG Saga. Or, as us in the land of cheeseburgers and SUVs would call it when it (as far as rumors go) gets ported to America is Endless Frontier. The SRT series is notorious for making cross-over games, usually featuring mechs from anime such as Macross and Gundam. So far, only two of the series has reached North American shores due largely to licensing issues, but "original generation" means there's a good chance we could see this little gem coming to America. What makes me happiest about it is that I won't be the only shame-filled DS owner who has this game. Just look at the video.

Ass. And titties. Ass ass titties titt-erm. You get the idea.

Naturally, it'd be easy to dismiss as fanfare, but the game is fuckloads of fun. Nevermind the fact that KOSMOS finally made it to another RPG and her top manages to undo itself at random intervals, but the game-play has remaind to be incredibly entertaining around twenty-five hours in so far. Regardless of how much grinding any player can do, boss battles retain a very difficult mode to them that will have you strategizing every character's action constantly, even employing a number of mechanics used in 2D fighting games. I can only hope that the rumors are true and that Endless Frontier will see a North American release.

Finally (and strangely), I've been trying on a submarine simulator recently. Now, I'm a history buff, so it's not that outlandish that I'd try a game like this, but Silent Hunter 3 is quickly becoming one of the best surprises I've had in a long time. You play as a Nazi U-boat commander besting the odds against Allied shipping, which is historically more rough and tumble than most believed. Even beyond Winston Churchill mentioning how much he "hates those damn submarines," enlisting in submariner service on the Axis during the second World War was statistically a suicide mission. Playing Silent Hunter 3 is an almost eerie representation, specifically because of how accurate it is. You run out of air, you return for fuel, you assign crew members to repair certain parts of a damaged hull, so on and so forth.

You start out, get your boat, and you're due for training. After learning how to maneuver, it's time to test out your torpedo skills. These days, you'd be accustomed to something fancy like guidance systems. World War II wasn't the day of thhe Director AI, and Silent Hunter 3 will put you to task to make your kills and reserve yourself. You have to take into account the size of the ship, speed of the ship, angle and bearing of the ship, distance from it to you and the speed of your torpedoes. After studying this, you have to make a mathematically-based decision in order to time the trajectory just perfect to make the shot.

I failed it the first four times, totalling 24 lost torpedoes. Hitler would have been so very sad with me. Finally, one torpedo left, and I think I finally have it. I order my crew to fire as I have the test ship in my sights, and I see my torpedo barreling through the water. It's early, but it looks like a hit. Slowly, it whirrs toward my target underneath the black coat of night, and I smile widely as I see it lining up for a perfect strike on the center of the ship's hull. I can smell the burning metal I think, just as I hear a bonk. No explosions, just a metallic bonk. I zoom the camera around and see my torpedo flopping in the water towards the blackened deep. I rage my fucking face off and take my quandary to Google when I read that your torpedoes can actually malfunction. All of the frustration seemed justified, but the second I pulled off an actual hit, I practically orgasmed. It's for that sake that I refused to use the pun about submarines being immersive.

Anyway, being Christmas and the end of the year and all, let's talk about the future. Should be stocking up on some (mostly) older titles come the 25th, as well as a PSP. Along with that, I'll be checking out the mandatory titles like Patapon, Metal Gear Solid: Portable Ops, Monster Hunter 2G and what I'm most excited about, the new Parasite Eve title. It's called the Third Birthday, and from what I've read it's because it focuses more on Aya Brea instead of the events in her world. Ironically, after seeing Squeenix's 2009 schedule, this is the only thing that caught my interest. On the DS side of things, the team behind Xenogears (including composer Yasunori Mitsuda, which is a wet dream) produced an RPG already out in Japan named world destruction. Unlike other RPG's where it's up to you to save the world, the point of the game is to destroy it so you can free it from the grips of your furry overlords. Looks very promising.

I'll also be doing a bit more PC gaming, seeing as how both Diablo III and Starcraft II are slated for release next year. I'll also be checking out some oldies like Fallout 1 and 2 (which I'll be starting relatively soon) and BioShock's predecessors, System Shock 1 and 2. Also, Vampire Masquerade: Bloodlines looks pretty cool (and sexy), so I'll be giving it a shot when I get around to it.

Persona 4 in 4 days.

Wasted and Wasted in the Wasteland; Forward, Down, Down-forward and Heavy Punch

2008-11-12T02:52:00.006-05:00

My lack of updating is appalling I'm sure, which is no small part thanks to Fallout 3. I didn't play Oblivion, and I didn't play the original Fallouts. However, something had me absolutely convinced that Fallout 3 was going to be an experience for me second only to Metal Gear Solid 4. Maybe I caught the hype-wave, maybe not.

So, a few months ago I dropped an accumulative $85 for the collector's edition. I walk into Gamestop empty-handed, and out with an unassuming lunchbox that assures me that "I'm S.P.E.C.I.A.L." As a friend notified me of, I had to've been special for loosing so much on something I was pretty unsure of in the first place. With a fervor normally relegated to either Fallout fanboys or Bethesda devotees, neither of which I am, I absorbed everything in the special edition before physically playing the game. Alas, the pesky task of actually finishing Fable II before I started Fallout 3 stood in the way. With convincing on a friend's part, the next hour of suffering Fable II's dreadful story and stifling my excitement to jump into the Wasteland could only be described as orgasm denial.

Fable II is finished, and I put in Fallout 3. What in-game music that isn't 1950's Norman Rockwell irony strikes me with a heavy feeling of militaristic foreboding, and I couldn't have been more instantaneously glued to a television screen as Liam Neeson tells me how my custom character, lovingly crafted by sifting through the longest list of beards I'd ever seen, reminds him of my mother. My dead mother.

Way to pay her looks a compliment, dad.

As I get used to the controls, I wonder how Oblivion players ever managed to complete the game without Fallout 3's V.A.T.S. system, the "Vaultec Assisted Targeting System." If you're like me and have an inclination to the cinematic and profoundly gory, this is a godsend. Combat is slowed to a crawl as the camera shift around to maximize the visual appeal of your tiny 5.56 millimeter bullet knocking thickened heads from roughneck bodies. The absolutely obtuse manner it's delivered in, coupled with your character's constantly frozen-stare is so odd that it actually grants a certain amount of charm. That's not an issue though, as you'll be immersed in the ulterior aspects of Fallout 3 without a hitch.

Of course, there's no question that Fallout 3 has quite a bit of hindering aspects about it. Once you step foot into this eerily-crafted post-apocalyptic (the only future gaming knows outside of Harvest Moon) Washington D.C., you can't help but grip a wall of strange and conflicting feelings. The setting is picture perfect, making it much more eerie for people who've actually visited the capital. After having stood on the steps of the Capitol building to curse the old cunts who ruined my country, seeing it recreated plus a few mushroom clouds ignited a blackened smirk I've rarely ever felt. You step into the burgeoning concrete-rubble of the city, and it becomes a constant showdown between you, raiders or super-mutants, exchanging bullets and hoping to whatever deity you choose that you don't have to waste your valuable items during a frivolous encounter. Or, you can escape to the outlying Wasteland, where the rural and suburban lifestyle of Washington D.C. has morphed into broken-down and rusty vehicles offering the only inhabitants, charred skeletons, a quiet seclusion. The sheer scope of exploration is massive and seemingly never loses it's appeal to wonder if this abandoned shopping mall will have limbless wanderers suspended from the ceiling by meat-hooks, or whether you'll run into a pack of feral ghouls that launch after your flesh so quickly, you barely have time to draw your flamethrower from your side.

Exploration comes with a fairly hefty drawback for petty players like myself. See, when I play a game modeled like Fallout 3, I plan every action like a vacation. Today, I'll go to Rivet City and see where ole' dad has run off to. Tomorrow, I'm going to go see exactly what the ruins of the Nuka-Cola plant have to offer me. As of now, my Fallout 3 save has logged around 40 hours, mainly due to the exploration I've done. However, the game has one gaping flaw that was hard for me to look passed once I had experienced it. The setting in Fallout 3 should not be ignored. The beautiful (in an odd way) landscape begs to be traversed, like a gamer's Kilimanjaro. However, doing so in a very meticulous manner, I had accidentally cut the story in half, forgoing many segues that I shouldn't have. It automatically ends a pertinent quests and updates it with a newer, more relevant one. In theory, you can finish the game in precisely five hours just by not going to Rivet City, and heading only slightly north-west.

Outside of that, combat is almost too clunky to be utilized outside of V.A.T.S., which is unfortunate. Fallout 3 is not forgiving when you try targeting unassisted, even with weapons meant to be used with a first-person view such as the scoped .44 magnum and the Reservist's sniper rifle. Going into battle without a full store of action points can often end in embarrassing deaths at the hands of lesser creatures, just because putting down the Deathclaw required every weapon you had in your arsenal. Along with this occasional problem is a much, much smaller issue: companion AI is beyond abysmal. Fallout fans might (emphasis) be pleased with the return of Dogmeat, the four-legged canine companion to Vault-dwellers of the past. Unfortunately, Bethesda stayed a little too close to the formula, bringing his obnoxiously dumb AI along with the ride. Several times after I acquired him, he would run off for days to retrieve a stimpak and return in the middle of a fierce battle against upwards of seven super-mutants, only to die in the middle of combat. Especially annoying was the time when I had gained over 3,000 bottlecaps after a scavenging romp, just to have him fall through the cracks of a bridge as he was walking behind me and plunge to his death. Under any normal circumstances, reloading wouldn't have been a problem. At a hefty cost of 3,000 bottlecaps, it was unacceptable at the time.

I still can't apologize enough for hitting you, Xbox 360. It's only because things are stressful right now.

All of that is forgivable in context, though. The money and time I had invested in Fallout 3 was justified during one specific event in the game. Toward the end of the story, you're required to bring back some children from a Slaver camp. Fair game, for the uninitiated and less brazen, you could just buy the kids out of lock-up after a few lengthy side-quests, no problem. Before agreeing to this request though, I thought about the time I had spent in Fallout 3 so far. Again, I'm new to the Fallout universe, but I've played Fallout 3 long enough to know that being obtuse about your quests can have more payoffs than you'd expect. See, whenever you normally decide to gun-down a town, you lose buckets of karma. These guys are slavers though, they're bad people. So, I pull out my minigun, smile as I think about my horrendously large big guns skill level, and let the barrels start to revolve. By the time I had wasted over 1,400 five millimeter bullets, the entire slave trading camp was empty of slavers. For every one of these poor bastards that I popped a head off, I gained karma. Mercilessly slaughtering everyone had turned me into a saint, and I was free to all of the loot this place had to offer. Even up until this point, I wasn't sure of whether or not my anticipation of Fallout 3 had been warranted.

However, immediately after I tell the children they're free, I notice other slaves in a separate cage. Now, all of these slaves have bomb collars. If you tell them to make a break for it, the second they hit the main gate, their heads festively pop off. I talk to a paranoid and balding black woman, peeking her head from behind a pillar and tell her that all her hopes and dreams have come true, she is finally free! With a certain glee, she ecstatically runs toward the front gate and...! Pop.

You just lost karma.

That's what makes this game worth it. No, you can't seat yourself in a rusted and grimy stall and furiously masturbate "do anything," you can selflessly rescue the children and brutally murder the adults while coming out clean "do anything." All of the drawbacks taken into consideration absolutely pale into comparison, but I am not naively going to admit that perhaps the fact I'd never played Oblivion and/or Fallout influenced how I feel. Chances are that if I'd have played Oblivion, Fallout 3 would have bored me to tears, or at least felt like an uphill battle to immerse myself in.

Now that my long-winded Fallout 3 ramble is over, I can go into the more casual aspects as of late. Immediately and most recently, I picked up Gears of War and the original Persona 3. Now, I have no reason to buy Persona 3 by itself after having picked up FES, and probably wouldn't have. However, being a newly-devoted fan, running across the complete original special edition with box, artbook, case, manual and soundtrack? When you know it's right, you know it's right. Gears of War however, I'm not entirely sure what was going through my mind.

Maybe the release of Gears of War 2 and all of the hype had me second-guessing my original feelings of the first game, but whatever that was became immediately stifled after playing an hour of the first again for only my second time. It's not that it's a terrible game, and it honestly has nothing to do with the fanbase of Gears of War (while bad, let's not forget about Halo). However, as early as reading the player's manual I realized that this game is something else entirely, as toward the end of the booklet, it suggests tips for parents to control their children's Xbox Live experience. If you can't piece together why this is laughable, you're probably part of the legion of Gears of War fans that deserve decapitation. Upon turning it on, I remembered my immense feeling of conflict. The setting is great, gameplay is good. Nothing stellar, but it's an alright playthrough. I'm not sure of the story, but from what I've read it's supposed to be a trilogy, and while I can't comment further, something tells me the shit ain't Star Wars if you catch my drift.

What put me off is that Gears of War is the epitome testosterone-filled bullheadedness that characterize practically everything I loathe about games these days. Your main character is practically a grey man amidst the rest of his contemporary video game heroes (bearing an uncanny resemblance to a character in Unreal Tournament 3), and everything that comes out of his mouth further supports detachment to him. He's a beefy roughneck who doesn't have feelings for anyone or allegiance to anything, he just wants to chainsaw machine-gun fuck his enemies through to victory. It's 90's action movie cliche after cliche, and the game supports this as it goes on. Immediately, the character's name is Fenix, which is something I can't help but laugh at. Reminiscent of all those stage-names that black metal musicians take with pride that just seem laughable to those of us with our feet firmly on the ground, a cliche name is fitting of the character considering that the world he's stuck in is a virtual cliche. I'm surprised his full name isn't Fenix Black Chainsaw Testicle Dark Slayer Rape Esquire.

I'm moderately interested in picking up Gears of War 2, if only for Horde Mode. But please, Epic games, when you make a game, listen to one blogger's lowly plea, make an epic game.

On a more positive note, I suck at games. I suck pretty hard at games. When I play Bioshock, my Halo conditioning kicks in and I press B over and over again to melee, only to realize that I've eaten through all of my health packs and subsequently die. However, if there is one genre I can claim to be consistently good with, it's 2-D fighting games. How can I back this claim up? I beat Capcom v. SNK 2. Several times. I've got a not-so-secret love affair with Street Fighter and specifically the King of Fighters and Fatal Fury series, and I've recently been rekindling old flames with the occasional jump back into the series. There's no dusting, the cogs immediately start turning as I fly around the screen with a vicious Iori Yagami, dragon-punching and special move-canceling my way to victory. Just as it makes me work for it, victory is always sweet in the short, arcade-style playthroughs. If one night-stands had that sense of accomplishment, "relationship" wouldn't be in my vocabulary. So, having picked up NEOGEO Battle Colisseum fairly recently, I decided to give it a playthrough with a friend and brother. Seeing a collective favorite of ours in Marco join the SNK fighting fold was something we could all appreciate, despite our radically different gaming backgrounds. After seeing him zombify and bear his bloody guts across the screen for a special attack, I decided to go through an all-night 2D-fighting romp. Immediately at the top of the list was the King of Fighters XI. Being a proud owner of most of the titles all the way up to XI, I've had experience with most of these familiar faces. Kyo? Brutal. K'? Stylishly merciless. Iori? Cold-blooded murder. However, I've got a love affair with a certain character that's kept me playing the King of Fighters XI for the past few days. While she's not a new addition, XI is Vanessa's second King of Fighters game, and she has since become an absolutely welcome addition. Street Fighter may have given us the dragon punch, but as King of Fighters continued, it expanded upon movesets to allow some truly unique characters with vastly different methods of play. Vanessa is a character in a completely new field. She has no fireballs, no high-gloss attacks, just her hands and feet (and delicious 2-D sprite jiggle). However, in the hands of a capable player, she's absolute murder.

Returning to Fallout 3 for the moment, though. Immediately, what I love about the game the most is the survivalist aspect of it. It's a different breed from survival horror in that the freedom is unparalleled in context to any survival horror game. You may struggle through Silent Hill, but you don't eat the radiated remains of your enemy to stay alive. After having experienced the joy of a new type of challenge, I've become interested in a game with a similar style: S.T.A.L.K.E.R.: Shadow of Chernobyl. Everything I've read about it so far has been extremely positive, so I'm hoping to pick it up soon. Of course, it's another game yours truly will be late on the draw with. Then again, I need to stop acting like I'm communicating with actual people.

Seeing as how this is getting fairly long (due in no small part to Fallout 3), I'll start to wrap it up. Eternal Poison is out today (already snagged my artbook), and Left 4 Dead is only a week away. December 9 is as alway the big P-day, and with any luck I'll have Silent Hill: Homecoming done by the end of the year. If things turn out well, I'll also be getting a PSP and a Sega Saturn before the year is out, so expect a little more material outside of 360 and PS2.

Silent Hill, Profane Mouth; Gayble II

2008-10-26T22:54:00.003-04:00

It's been a little while, sure. I've been playing a lot of things, though. Ended up finishing Spore and much to my chagrin, I have one install left before I lose the ability to play it. So, holding off on it until EA decide to quit treating me like I'm dumb enough to rent a game for $50. Anger over DRM aside, my 360 has been getting a lot of attention recently. Actual affection, not hitting it because I love it.

Though, Silent Hill Homecoming definitely wants to make me act oppositely. I get that it's a survival horror, and that I'm supposed to gnash my teeth, but I cannot deal with the random rapings this game decides to hand out. It's very unfortunate, because I really do genuinely like this game. I don't care if the scares are cheap (really, I only have myself to blame for that) or that it's made by Foundation 9 instead of Team Silent. That shit doesn't matter to me, because outside of the pretty poor graphics, the atmosphere is amazingly brilliant and combat can be pretty fun when I'm not surrounding by more enemies than I have testicles (3). I really dread playing it because it's guaranteed that somewhere in the span of 45 minutes to an hour, I will be cursing SHH's existence with a mouthful of vitriol. The first boss started to make me feel depressed as I went on, as I have rarely seen so many successive game over screens in my life.

Needless to say, Silent Hill Homecoming is a game that makes me envious of people who have actually played Silent Hill titles prior to it's release. Not fond of the elitism it usually entails, but the ability to survive would be quite nice. Luckily for me (I think), I placed a last-minute preorder on Fable II and have since been pouring my time into it. Now, I couldn't have cared less for the first Fable. I only had an Xbox for a short time, and few titles actually kept my interest. However, playing the second makes me reconsider it, and definitely not because of the story. You don't play Fable II because of the story. I play Fable II because I can totally ignore the story, and focus on the things in virtual life that matter. Being as homosexual as a shotacon slave-trading camp and just as hellishly evil. It's a stark contrast to the beautiful environments in the game to end up spending my time sleeping with married women, killing them after the deed is done, then standing in front of their widowed husbands and dancing a sweet Russian jig. This blackened, nostril-flaring humor warrants the price of the game alone, though I have to give a nod to the fact that I treat my dog (Gnarkill) like he's an actual dog. Not sure if that's in part to the working mechanics or the fact that I'm in love with animals.

Luckily for me, Bonnie has written an excellent review, detailing a lot of the things you can expect when playing the game. Just a quick note to anyone who plays this, be considerate with your floating green orbs when you're on live. Don't ruin our 40 chain blacksmith blows. :`(

Also, I have to mention Okage. It's an older and relatively ignored RPG title for the PS2, but having picked it up fairly recently, I'm incredibly surprised that this game wasn't talked about much at all. I'd just finished Shadow of the Colossus in it's entirety, so I figured a humorous title would be in dire need after the heart-wrenching conclusion (He had a baby Ico :3), and Okage definitely fit the bill. Most RPG's tend to take on a deathly serious nature and tend to wind up parodying themselves after just a short while (Final Fantasy syndrome), which is something that makes Okage so immediately endearing. From the first few minutes of dialog and glimpes of character designs, you get the feeling that Okage isn't a game that takes itself too seriously. As things open, you play a young boy named Ari, and things just don't go your way. You're overshadowed by everyone in your family, totally unremarkable, and your girlfriend even dumps you just as your quest begins, because she feels like your character is actually starting to care about her, and that's just too much for a girl in the universe of Okage. Your sister winds up getting attacked by a ghost and cursed with something... less than life-threatening. Everything she says comes out in pig latin. So, your family's immediate response? Volunteer you to sell your soul to the dark king of the underworld, Stan!

Outside of it's undeniable charm, the game looks gorgeous which is impressive considering it's time. Though, the style isn't exactly MegaTen quality, there's a very unique and original look to everything. Your characters break the stereotypical manga builds and occasionally escape into Tim Burton waters, the monsters you fight matching his style only with their quaint natures. You don't fight zombies, mystical creatures or monsters by any definition of the word. In Okage, you fight man-eating cows and onions. Yep.

Anyway, Fallout 3 is going to be out Tuesday, and it will be furthering my 360's longevity. I can't say enough about how excited I am to play it, especially after getting a peak at the player's guide. The thing is a veritable phonebook-length composition of nothing but quests. From how huge it looks, I can easily see I'll be having my hands full until Left 4 Dead drops next month. Also, Eternal Poison is practically on my doorstep, with Persona 4 getting closer by the day, as well as it's... oh dear. Almost slipped.

Closed

2008-10-09T22:59:00.001-04:00

Until I have shit to talk about.

Dicks and Murder in the Name of Spooge

2008-09-11T21:12:00.004-04:00

It's not very often that I dream about a game. It's like advertisement on the astral plane, and fuck it's annoying. Man, did it hype this game up for me, though. Everyone knows and loves Sim City even though it's not fun outside of watching your city be demolished in flames and disaster at the hands of a burgeoning lizard monster taller than your tallest commercial city. Spore is creator Will Wright's latest foray into the venture of sandbox sim gaming, and it's been a long time since an RTS (sort of) felt so engulfing.

I haven't beaten it yet (technically speaking, you don't beat Spore), but I've been wholly consumed by the amazing levels of detail involved in this gem and how supportive of creativity it is. I know, I know; I shouldn't have expected anything else, but the things I've created are amazing because I've created them. As with any game, there are a few problems.

Spore's manual is thick. It's a lot to take in, but even then it doesn't tell you the things you'd like to know. For instance, all those nifty creatures people have made and uploaded to YouTube? It's true that you can recreate and edit all of them to your liking, but that's if you take several things into consideration. Your diet will dictate which parts you're allowed to use in the cell and creature stages, so be weary of the diet you choose (and try to push for omnivore, dammit), and a lot of your progression will happen on it's own, seldomly making sense.

One of the biggest peeves that I've had with it so far is being the friendly guy I am and not warring with a single species or tribe up until the civilization stage. What did this make me? A religious group. What the fuck? I didn't throw Bibles at other tribes, I played the god-damn Didjerridoo! Sigh. Anyway, I get around to civilization stage, and I decide to become a militaristic nation. This is where I have to tip my hat to the creators of Spore.

While I was editting my vehicles with weapons, I noticed that there were a lot of over-the-top weapons, and it'd be exciting to see what damage they do on field. So, I take my submarines out into the middle of Cerebus (my planet's name, a-thank you) and launch an assault. At first, it was incredibly underwhelming. Destruction has never seemed to boring, to be honest. That's precisely where the genius lies, though. There is virtually no insentive to tackle civilization and colonization one way over another. You can be militaristic, but why with how underwhelming it is? While, it doesn't necessarily qualify as a lack of diversity considering you cannot play the same game twice, it does promote experimentation that's been practically void of all games these days.

That's without a doubt the reason I'm so addicted to Spore. Seeing these inter-stellar races of beings interact with some pompous piggy assholes that I've created is so affirming, it's one of the first time in ages where I felt like I was in control of this game's progression rather than the other way around.

As an impressed with this game as I am, my hopes are still equally high for the rest of the games that I'm looking forward to. Anyway, this is just a small update to stay update-y. Back to Spore.

A quick addition: Going to be helping Bon out in a bit with recording some video-game footage, so I'll probably have some up soon as well. Yay.

Ryan vs. Xbox Live Arcade, Pie Charts and Comic Relief

2008-09-06T06:55:00.005-04:00

When I dropped nearly half a grand on an Xbox 360, I was planning on Halo and BioShock. As far as hard-discs go, that's pretty much what I got. Sure there've been some great games here and there, but I've pretty much sapped its worth from Xbox Live Arcade.

So, Braid. There's an album by Wolf Eyes called "Burned Mind. The music is turbulent, a mixture between noise and punk, with more noise than punk. Perfect epitome of the things going on in my head while I'm playing this modern-day puzzle/platformer. The look is absolutely gorgeous, and rightfully so, because at $200,000 as far as production costs go, it's currently the most expensive indie game ever produced. I can't explain how much I love this game so far, but a proper review will come later. I feel a wee bit bad, because just when I was picking up steam with this amazingly trying adventure, I picked up the more recent Xbox Live Arcade trend: Castle Crashers.

Who doesn't yearn for the days of old-school beat'em ups? Yeah, sure. Hi-def graphics, whatever. Real-time texture mapping with over 10,000 polygons, ok. Give me three friends (maybe one day :c), and endless array of weapons and enemies and we're game.

Such is the theme of the latest creation from the Behemoth, owners of Alien Hominid HD. It's you and up to three other people choosing from an ever-growing cast of characters (brilliant lists of unlockables) versus hundreds of enemies, ready to catch your mallets, swords, hammers or fishes with their faces, as many times as you can mindless mash X or Y.

While normally, this would conote a fairly massive problem. Castle Crashers seems to have it's bases covered, however. It's easy for games like this to become dull and repetitive, but the way Behemoth have crafted this game with endearing, cartoony graphics, all of the characters, enemies, weapons and backgrounds bleed personality. I never thought I'd see a game where being a bear who slices off an enemy head with a crustacean would inspire such inner glee, but sure enough. Not to mention, the amount of animal orbs, weapons and characters you can unlock keeps you plowing through this game, which only lasts for a little less than twenty levels. Any more, and it might've been a bit too long.

However, there are a few odd things about this game. Immediately, it's Live interface is pretty buggy. Maybe "pretty" is an understatement. Earlier today, when I played with... who was it? Oh yeah.

I played with her. One walk inside the Ark where our animal orbs are housed, and I achieved "Animal Keeper." This is the achievement for having all of the animal orbs. I was missing around three, which she happened to have. So, it gave me the achievement. Thanks Bon, I feel bad for posting this picture of yours now. Anyway, a similar thing happened as far as level advancement went. The character I was using still had five or six levels to go before clearing the game, right? She uses her cleared-game character, and when I log off, I miraculously have access to the final boss fight. While, none of these are immediately a bad thing, we started experiencing some of the infamous Live lag issues I'd been reading about. Just as we were about to collectively push some boss-fight shit in as a nerd team of awe-inspiring geekdom, our game session closed. It did this quite a few times, actually.

Let's hope that patch comes soon, Behemoth.

Anyway, I've been constantly chipping down the list of games I'm out for immediately. Spore, Fallout 3 and Persona 4 have all been taken care of. Silent Hill V and Eternal Poison are both in the process of being paid off, which only leaves Left 4 Dead. I've developed a chart to show progress, and things are looking great so far.

Good and delicious. Spore comes out this Sunday, and I'm amazingly psyched for it. Soon, my arm of cock-monsters will descend upon unsuspecting planets, terrorizing their inhabitants with their flailing phallus phalanges feeling about.

In other news, I finally got a hold of Cassie Hack's SuicideGirls.com photoshoot. Looney faux-idealistic "alternative fashion" female run-ins aside, it totally delivers. Whether or not you like SuicideGirls doesn't matter, it's truly a sight to behold that warrants a shaking head and thoughts of: "Only on the internet."

After getting a hold of the full set, I'm waiting with baited breath for the next volume of Hack/Slash. Tim Seeley, you are now one of my heroes.

Anyway, currently waiting for some comics to come in, so hopefully a fuller update when I'm not on the verge of passing out.

When You See the Flying Ass, Terrible Porn Is Sure to Follow

2008-08-25T01:33:00.004-04:00

So, it's definitely been awhile, and a lot has happened if you're as nerdy as I am.

There are a few things I'm immediately happy about. First thing's first: finished the pre-orders on Persona 4, Fallout 3, and Spore. Good. Great. Wonderful. I'm now halfway there sort of kind of. Now, that just leaves Silent Hill V, Left 4 Dead, the new Devil Summoner and Resident Evil V. Oh, and Eternal Poison.

The reason I'm halfway through is because two of the previous mentioned aren't available for pre-order yet, so I'm pretty safe. However, I have to blab on about Eternal Poison.

So, Atlus has a pretty renowned bad habit of releasing awesome RPGs almost exclusively for Japan. This is bad, considering the American market is dominated by the trash that is Final Fantasy (or anything Square-Enix that isn't Star Ocean these days). Naturally, I was overjoyed when I realized that Poison Pink was going to be released in the states as Eternal Poison. This is a good thing for a number of reasons. Immediately, the art style resembles Odin Sphere, which looked absolutely gorgeous (except for the slowdowns. Also, bags). This is also a good thing, considering Atlus RPGs have a nack for seeming tedious and ambiguous at first before growing on you like a fungus. Then it controls your brain and forces you to dump your wallet into anything with Atlus' name stamped on it (minus Arcana Hearts, nice try Atlus, baiting me with your saucy anime women and 2D fighting (read: I'll pick it up when it's like $15)).

So, I'll definitely be pleased to pick it up until the new Devil Summoner (Which I read is labeled Devil Summoner: Raidou Kuzunoha vs. the Abaddon King) is out.

Speaking of Atlus, I'm taking a slight sabbatical from Digital Devil Saga. I know, I know, but I've got to slow down before I throw the god damn Playstation 3 controller out the fucking window. It's not even that it's hard, it's just that practically right after you've healed your party, you step into a random encounter. One 45 minute tops journey winds down into four hours as you fight your way through what looks short on paper that becomes a 50 hour + game. That's due to the battles you fight, and they will drain you of everything and leave you crippled before a boss fight. Anyway, during this slight hiatus, I took the time to check out some /34/ of the game, as I do them all. What I saw made me howl wit laughter:

Maybe my sense of humor is so far gone that everything's become comical, but what is that face?

Anyway, I was also scouring YouTube today when I found something that brightened up my evening. Outside of the sociopolitical commentaries of authors like Vonnegut, Huxley and Orwell, one of the largest literary influences that I have is Chuck Palahniuk. I've read everything he's written thus far save for his newest, and "Choke" was definitely one of the best out of his catalog. I'd known it was being transcribed into a movie for some time now, but I didn't realize that a trailer surfaced last May, and that it will be hitting theatres on the 26th of September. There're so many reasons to be excited about this movie. The main character, Victor Mancini, works his day job at a colonial fair, but cruises sexual addiction support groups at night looking for action. Needless to say, the spotlight is on comedy, which is something "Fight Club," as grand as it was, tremendously lacked. After reading his novels, I've learned that if you can't laugh at them, you'll just feel awkward for the duration. Enough of my babbling though, here's the video:

Pretty cool music, not to mention.

Beyond that, I've been reading Demo after getting it from a friend. Not going to name any names, but...

She's an absolute doll and I almost feel bad for showing this picture. Almost. Anyway, after having read through most of it, I've fallen in love with it, and especially Becky Cloonan's art. At some points, it makes me feel very odd, because I genuinely do not want to finish it. I know that when I do, it'll be over with, but it's been such a long time since I've read anything that made me feel wrenched and knotty in the insides, and I do enjoy the drama. I do so much.

About her, my second volume of American Virgin is in the mail, along with "Bad Timing" by Jim O'Rourke, which as far as I'm concerned might very well be the greatest album ever recorded. Popbot has also finally arrived, and Ashley Wood's art is brilliant as always. The entire collection is practically nothing but tits and robots.

Anyway, I'm hoping by the next few times I update this blog, I'll have a job (if a friend pulls through for me), which means I'll actually be having neat shit to frequently add and talk about, considering I won't be poor as dirt. Anyway, a small update, I'll be sure to add more later.

Tit for Tat, Teeth for Tit

2008-08-05T07:25:00.003-04:00

What's more depressing to a gamer than game over screens? Final Fantasy not having a character with exposed cleavage? Even down to the way the somber music lets you down faux-softly, you still boil with a mixture of perturbed rage and disappointment, maybe even self-doubt as you think to yourself: "So much for mindlessly mashing the X button." Such is the case that I've found with Digital Devil Saga, as I've started giving the series a play-through (irresponsibly I might add, probably should finish all of those other ones...).

Immediately, the standard of MegaTen eye-candy is still present. The more you play, the more you feel yourself immersed in the bleak and dreary world of the Junkyard, a place inhabited by warring tribes. The arrival of a mysterious black-haired girl doesn't change things for the better either, as she brings with her a curse that causes people to start turning into demons with teeth and markings in the oddest places. Oh, how I yearn for a land where exposed ass-cheeks glow with strange markings. Tits with teeth? ...Not so much.

Seeing this absolutely depressing enviornment come to life is done in a very strange manner which I think needs to be complimented. All of these characters are absolutely robotic-feeling with speech that sounds reminiscent of computerized voice-recognition software. So much so, you'll at one point hear this exact dialog: "What is a 'song'?" I don't think it takes a Tetris veteran to figure out how this would corelate to the story, but this is the type of half-Tron half-drama scifi that I eat up so very much. Speaking of, you might find a familiar voice amongst your tribe, in the character Cielo. Phil LaMarr brings in a familiar-sounding voice, that of Hermes Conrad from Futurama. You won't notice at first until he's enamored by an ambiguous kitten(Wouldn't we all be while we speak in a faux Jamaican accent?), locked in a cell.

However, the solemn tone usually compliments the artwork and build well. Most of the characters lack as much in bombastic gesture as they do skin tone, the latter I'm not complaining about. The most color you'll see will come from eyes and hair, otherwise it's shades of gray as you meet more of the cast who seem to be as aware of the vague story as you are. Eyes are drenched with kohl and lips are emphasized with a good bit of black, which at first might look a bit strange until you're introduced to Argilla. Afterwards, I felt like I wouldn't mind a world where things were similar. Something about obtuse hair-color sells me.

As much as I'm enjoying, I'm equally hating it, and if Nocturne is this tough, ugh. Battling doesn't deviate much from the standard RPG affair, it's turn-based combat. You're able to customize your characters to your complete liking as opposed to things like Final Fantasy X's sphere grid, which gives you the illusion of options. Your characters can learn any spells or abilities, the only prerequisites being the money it will cost and provided you've already learned spells in that specific tree. While all of this is fine and all, battles happen far more frequently than they should. At some points, it gets so ridiculously cumbersome that you'll often find yourself hanging around a restoration or save point while you battle. Doubly so considering there will be no battles in this game that you don't have to strategize for. The way enemies can often turn brutal as they gain extra attacks from pulling off critical moves or hitting your innate weaknesses can often make normal situations absolutely dire, doubly so considering just as you may think you've won the battle, reinforcements appear.

Dungeons are another point of contention for me. The third area you find yourself battling past is filled to the brim with trabs that will drop you into a lower level, and the triggers are usually hidden to the point where you find out you're fucked before you can do anything. I figured it was just this particular dungeon, but apparently I was wrong. Seven hours in and I'm still dungeon crawling. At least the story's getting juicy (kind of).

Outside of anything game-related, I've apparently been racking up graphic novels as of late. First off, after much delay I finally got my copy of Hack/Slash volume 4: Revenge of the Return after much, much delay.

I'm pretty much obsessive over it at this point, to the point where I found myself yelling at an invisible Cassie Hack: "VLAD WOULDN'T HAVE A HAD A CONCUSSION IF YOU'D HAVE TALKED TO HIM INSTEAD OF YOUR STUPID DUMB STRIPPER FRIENDS, GAWD." I'm not so happy about news of the movie, though. Apparently, the director's been caught talking about how he plans on making it a serious business horror movie, as well as franchising it. This is pretty much the antithesis of the series, so naturally I'm a bit... iffy. However, if I see Rachell Leigh Cook as Cassie Hack, I'm sold. (Even though I'm sold either way, I can still hope)

Also, ordered a copy of American Virgin without knowing that I'd be receiving Demo in a few days, which are both animated by the same illustrator, Becky Cloonan. I like her style immediately, even though there's a pretty significant manga overtone. I haven't read either yet, but from what I've read about American Virgin, it's about a youth minister who's saving himself for marriage when he finds out that his girlfriend was violently raped and murdered while in Africa. He then sets off on a violent and sexual journey to find out why it had to happen. Sounds right up my alley.

Outside of that, Popbot's already been shipped. Again after much, much delay. Goddamn Amazon.com. Anyway, I'll be posting again eventually, going to preorder Fallout 3 today and heading to the beach on Thursday.

What E3 Means To Me, Metal Slug 3, Western in the Style of Spaghetti

2008-07-18T15:47:00.002-04:00

It's been a lazy, lazy week. I haven't gone to the gym or maintained a good diet at all (Which I'm definitely feeling guilty about, eheh), but I have been house-sitting for a friend and maintaining his dogs while he's gone. One sweetheart and an oafish mammoth. How I love love love them. Anyway, first thing's first. E3 and all that nonsense happened recently, and as always there seems to be a lot of shit I could care less about. However, it's painful this time around as generally, I do not buy games when they come out. Chock it up to be a cheap-ass bastard with no job, because I don't think games these days age like wine. There are a few titles I'm having trouble overlooking, though. It's been a week of bittersweet good news.

Immediately, I'm unreasonably psyched for Spore. My days of simming and RTS are way over (at least until Starcraft 2 comes out, then my ass will again be raw stomping ground for Koreans), but Spore looks like the type of title I could be absolutely immersed in. I'm totally down for either building an army of absolutely vicious monsters intent on global domination over the cours of digitized natural selection, to the point where I see armies of my blood-thirsty behemoths lurking around for the weaker species to devour, or on the other hand, I could go the route that's much more appealing: build a race of peaceful herbivores intent on coexistence through the art of the didjerridoo. Yep. I just wish I could make friends that way in real life. Mating would be so much easier.

The second title that I'm definitely interested in is Fallout 3. I've never played a Fallout title before, but I'm not at all unaware of their rabid fanbase. I've never really had the urge to check it out until this morning, I managed to watch the live demonstration at E3. After hearing about some of the game-play mechanics, watching some of the action take place, and learning about the absolutely massive scope of the game, I'm sold. However, I don't think I could finish talking about it without mentioning how it's been banned from Australia. While, that definitely blows, one could see where the concern would set in. If people were worried about killing hookers in Grand Theft Auto, imagine what perks specifically implemented for people dying in grossly over-the-top manners would cause as far as content warnings. That just makes me harder, though.

I have to say though, one of the things that I did like about the preview was a familiar feel that BioShock gave me. The 1950's commercial art parody, but geared more toward a Red Scare motif. Something about that is strangely, strangely attractive.

This next one, I know, is dumb. Silent Hill V: Homecoming. "But Ryan, you haven't played any of the other Silent Hills!" Yeah, yeah, I'll get to work on that. While, I wasn't immediately planning on picking it up specifically for that reason, Silent Hill V: Homecoming has received something that eases my worries about jumping into the established franchise: absolutely horrid control scheme. Not only that, but the company hired to produce it couldn't have picked better game-play to model after: fucking Resident Evil 4. While, I know that the new game-play will have a heavier emphasis on combat rather than helplessness, I'm still interested to pick it up. Let's be honest: a scarier Resident Evil 4 with a potentially better story and creepier atmosphere, or whatever new first-person shooter on the way? Exactly.

Also, co-op has been confirmed for Resident Evil 5. Totally looking forward to annoying the piss out of some friend while we hold off an oncoming horde of zombies. Negro zombies.

Outside of E3 though, there are a few other interesting developments. Persona 4 finally has a release date set for North America, and even though it's a long way off, I'm still excited to play it. Apparently, the style has gone retro and rural as opposed to the modern-day hustle and bustle of Japan, and glasses are supposed to be evokers this time instead of guns. Hottest change to game-play, or hottest change to game-play *ever*?

Speaking of my recently-acquired love of anything under the Shin Megami Tensei name, there's an MMO in the works based in the MegaTen universe, and I couldn't be more pissed to hear it. I am not happy to play an MMO, but seeing the MegaTen universe brought to life in that style seems like a strong selling point to me. I'll... be swallowing a hard lump and checking it out, no doubt.

And finally, the boring part. Recently, I've started a few games. Immediately, I finally got around to playing BioShock, and while I'm regretably not far at all in the game, I've spent most of the three hours I've logged into it doing fuck-all but browsing around Rapture. Absolutely stunning and gorgeous visuals, and I know that playing it correctly would mean that it'd be over in about twelve hours. So, I'll take my time and drink it in.

But of course, the majority of my time has been spent playing Wind Waker.

I am having so much fun with this game that I'm almost pissed that I waited so long to play it. I'm roughly halfway through it, and I've thoroughly loved every second of it, even all the tedious sailing that seemed to piss a lot of folks off. I don't care if the Legend of Zelda hasn't changed plot since its inception, I've been eating it up so much this time around with the quirky universe given to it, as opposed to the action-oriented style of Ocarina of Time or Majora's Mask. It's to the point where I can't really see how this wasn't the original vision of Zelda, but either way. I'll be completing it soon, and I can't wait.

Also, it shouldn't be a secret that a new Metal Slug is on the way for the Nintendo DS, but seeing as how they're region-free consoles, easily hackable, and it's already out in Japan, I got my hands on a digitized copy of it this morning. From what I've played, I've really enjoyed. Probably going to blab more about it later.

Outside of games, not much is new. Popbot and Hack/Slash vol. 4 still haven't come in from Amazon yet, so I'm dry on new graphic novels and art. Hopefully, that will all be mended soon. I am, however, enjoying God's Revolver's album "Little Black Horse Where Are You Going With Your Dead Rider?" I finally got it (and a generous slieu of other albums) from Exigent records, and I'm incredibly pleased with how dumb and raunchy it is. The bluesy swagger and western overtones makes it sound like Black Flag walking into a saloon and starting a bar brawl with Sick of it All, before heading out to the streets at high noon for a duel.

Anyway, seeing as how I'm getting paid for this house-sitting nonsense, I'm expecting to either pick up a PSP or tablet in a few weeks. I'm leaning towards a tablet, because the thought of making horribly-drawn inside-joke comics is really attractive to me. Anyway, until next time.

Self-Destruction on the Eve of Awesome.

2008-06-28T20:35:00.004-04:00

I'm supposed to be at the beach right now, drinking in the tourists, fanny-packs and ass cheeks full of sand. Instead, I'm at home, sitting in the dark and writing a blog before starting to shoot back the sauce. Ah, the glorious life-style of indecisive and disinterested un-motivation, aye?

I managed to do a little bit this week, most immediately is watch "Diary of the Dead." While, I can never say no to a zombie movie, I'm pretty sure that most of the people (who matter) are in on the secret that the zombie mythos was popularized mainly because of the fact that it's an easily-applicable social commentary. By writing this blog, I'm sawing zombie heads with a chainsaw. True story. However, apparently George Romero didn't see things that way and decided to fuck what had made him worthy in true Oedipus fashion. "Diary of the Dead" is not a zombie movie, and after watching it, I'm convinced that George Romero wants everyone who saw it to die in the oncoming zombie apocalypse.

Everything starts out normally for a zombie movie. Ambiguous re-animation, and then mind-numbingly mediocre teenagers introduce themselves. The immediate parody of horror movies was worth a chuckle, but I quickly found myself face-palming as things progressed. Not to say that the movie is void of entertainment, but if you could slap any movie with the "Unwarranted self-importance" award, this movie would rank up there, primarily due to the fact that it practically tells you that it's a social commentary. The pretentious monologues scattered through-out the movie are constantly pointing Romero's finger at people and pointing them out as the monsters, and in true Peter Chimaera "no you are the demons" fashion, the end wraps it up in a high-brow and laughable package that after having been forced to swallow, you find you've got the taste of saw-dust lining your throat.

Yes, Mr. Romero, people are monsters. That's why I'm watching your movie, the concept of which originally started as an incredibly potent social commentary, instead of going out to a bar and shooting pool with random people I could care less to remember before the night's out. Why constantly reiterate this like your primary audience is totally unaware that people aren't nice? Don't you realize that, while opinions aren't inherently bad, they're what's ruined all of Oliver Stone's movies except for two? Do you not realize that every piece of art is social commentary, a colorful item indicative of the times that people live in? Maybe it's just me having spent too much time reviewing music, but I hate to see a zombie movie gone to waste over personal feelings.

Anyway, just as I suspected, after I finished Metal Gear Solid: the Twin Snakes, my Gamecube began collecting dust. So, the other day in town, I finally picked up a game I've been wanting to play for awhile: The Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker.

While, I haven't necessarily kept my Zelda liking secret, no one has bothered to ask about it, and it's usually over-shadowed by my fairly just hatred of all things Nintendo. The last console of theirs that I enjoyed was the VirtualBoy, and I'm guessing that most of the four-fingered glove-wearing Brawl addicts that play the Wii wouldn't even remember it in all of it's only-60-games glory. Besides the point, though. Like everyone else who didn't have a Super Nintendo, my love for Zelda starts at Ocarina of Time. The hours that I "invested" playing it are pathetic in retrospect, but I always had fun. Except for getting the Bigoron sword. Not that much of a masochist. Afterwards, it was uphill from there. I've enjoyed everything up to the latest DS release, which I will go back and finish one day (I hope). However, I never had a Gamecube, so I played Wind Waker for the whole of five minutes until recently picking it up. Though I haven't tried it out yet, I'm extremely excited to give another proper (and great-looking) Zelda game a go. I'll get to that soon, but...

I started playing Metal Gear Solid 3: Subsistence recently. I haven't played it through for a few years, and I'd gone through ever console Metal Gear Solid in the past few months except for it, so I decided to give it another go and refresh things, still hot off the fanboyism of Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots. I suck so much dick at this game right now that it's unbelievable. These soldiers have fucking super-human hearing, if I so much as flare my asshole I hear: "brb, someone clenched cheeks, gonna check it out." It's cute and all, but that coupled with the fact that I cannot make sense between EVA's sweet pair of tits and a hole in the ground doesn't help, either. I understand the game's emphasis on stealth camouflage and blending into your environments, but fuck is it frustrating having to muck around in a cave for three hours looking for a singular source of light. Sigh.

Anyway, finally got my hands on another of Thoughts of Ionesco's albums today, titled "A Skin Historic." From what little I sampled earlier today, it sounds amazingly sloppy and down-tuned, but I'm still eager to give the rest of it a go. Still, I'm waiting for the debut album from blues/hardcore group God's Revolver to arrive at my door-step. Of which, it hasn't yet. Sigh.

Next week will be great, though. The fourth volume of Hack/Slash finally comes out, and I get to see my favorite closetted lesbian slasher Cassie Hack knife her way through a cult of bisexual college girls. My pants are growing hard already. Also, Ashley Wood's Popbot collection will finally be release, and I can finally drink in more of his fantastically sketchy and wonderfully-done artwork. I wish I could make music the way this guy illustrates.

I'll update again soon. And play Persona 3 FES again, I swear.

I Smell Good.

2008-06-23T00:08:00.004-04:00

Like, really good. Just got out of the shower a couple of minutes ago. Why would someone take one at 11:30 at night? For a few reasons.

Mainly because it's hotter than an Auschwitz oven around here.

Of course, the real reason is because I feel dirty. Metal Gear Solid 4 lets you opt for photoshoots of the primary villains, the Beauty and the Beast unit. None of them are awe-inspiring for the most part; just the stereotypical pixel babe build. One however, I just can't say no to, and that's the first boss of the game: Laughing Octopus.

Just look at her. She laughs hysterical as she impales enemy soldiers with her mechanical tendrils, delights in the blood pouring out of the wounds from their mangled and limbless bodies. When she's not leaving bodies limp, she's using her camouflage suit to blend end with the environments around her. Just think about the limitless sexual potential. She could even disguise herself as a naked Laughing Octopus. Mhmm. Of course, the only problem is that she's without a doubt the most remarkable boss battle in Metal Gear Solid 4, but she also happens to be the first. After you've endured the punishment she dishes out, it's pretty much the toughest challenge you'll have in the game for awhile, as the other battles just seem to get easier in contrast.

However, after you finish her off the first round, as all the boss battles will continue with afterwards as far as the Beauty and the Beast unit is concerned, she sheds the odious apparel and appears as something drastically different. Immediately, a fucking silver-haired hottie whose tight rubber suit is covered in goo. This is nightmare mode for anyone with a cock, as she falls to the floor after... vomitting up her weight in black ink, and begins to snake around curvatiously as her hands probe her own body. It's not too long before she begins chasing after you, a man who appears to be in his late 50's, trying to wrap her arms around you, or if you're on the ground, straddle her hips on top of yours before clinging to you. Survive this for three minutes, and it's time for glamor. Fabulous glamor.

The eerie laughs and screams subside as the color-changing, chameleonesque walls melt into a purely white environment with a timer. Don't kill her in three minutes and it's game over, which is tempting. Because now you get to experience the easter egg to end all easter eggs: a photoshoot with a character modelled after Lyndall Jarvis, an eastern European bombshell who drips sex, even when digitized. The poses she offers for you aren't exactly the most puritan, either.

So, after a rousing two and a half minutes of horribly botched photos, I have to let her creep towards me with her arms gaping open as I fire off tranquilizing shots into her torso. Sorry, but thirty seconds is just not enough time to pop off a quick load and survive.

Either way, you can tell why I'd need a shower after the small but effective set she offered me was finished:
Is this what dying feels like?
I believe there's a camel kicking your knickers.
Is this a hint?
Ok, you convinced me.

I really don't care how pathetic it sounds to say this, but man did I have fun doing that. When I got tired of it, I ended up playing a game I've always loved but just picked up again recently: Time Crisis 3. A lot of people tend to like the second one, but seeing as how I don't own it, I'll deal with it. It's undoubtedly one of the more addicting arcade-style games, and I'm putting and emphasis on arcade. Absolutely mind-numbingly repetitive at times, it just amazes me how much fun the game remains to blast your way through it once or twice in an hour. Even more so when you adopt a Clint Eastwood persona and blow off the imaginary gunsmoke from your blaze orange, plastic Guncon. There is no way this cannot be metal.

Anyway, I'm out of things to talk about. More updates later, as I'm expecting an album from a very individual sounding group and some new graphic novels by the end of the month, namely Ashley Wood's Popbot Collection and the fourth volume of Hack/Slash. So sexy.

Touch Me I'm Sick

2008-06-20T12:34:00.002-04:00

First blog post on the new laptop. :0 Still getting a bit used to typing on this keyboard, so yeah. Anyway...

A lot of people said that Metal Gear Sold 4 wouldn't be worth getting a Playstation 3, and they're definitely right about that. I picked up the special edition with the artbook and chronologically retrospective blu-ray disc, and after four days of no eating and little sleep, I'd completed the game. Totally finished the only game that I was lookinv forward to on the PS3. That having been said, it is definitely not worth the price of a PS3 alone. However, it is without a doubt the most fun I've had with a next-gen game yet. I'm not going to write a full review on it just yet because I feel like I need to play it more even now, but MGS4 gave me something that most games these days do not: an almost amazingly intelligent and gripping central story.

Games these days are way too focused on online play. While that's great and all, I feel like it's become a vehicle for absolutely substance-less games. I mean, what's the need for a good story if you're heading straight to Call of Duty 4 multiplayer? Not to say that I'm certainly not guilty of it myself, but it was one of the greatest experiences I've had gaming recently if only to see the amazingly over-the-top Metal Gear Solid saga, a series which I've loved for over a decade now, come to a close in such show-stopping ways. The gameplay is beyond phenomenal, the day of clunky controls and singular directions are gone, replaced with sandbox-style battlefields taking place in dauntingly huge environments.

Even though everyone I've talked to about it is sick of hearing me say it, I feel bad for anyone who just started playing Metal Gear Solid games with MGS4. There is no way you can catch the full effect of this game - even with the stellar game-play - without having been an almost devoted fan. It's a pity, though. If only for the fact that Laughing Octopus might've been the closest I've ever come to wanking off over cut-scenes

Seriously. Anyway. kind of a smaller update, but I'm afraid sick Ryan is sick. So, I'll be writing a bit more later.

Ok, So Maybe Not a Week

2008-06-14T20:12:00.002-04:00

Apparently, I've been blazing through Metal Gear Solid 4. It'll be done by tomorrow, and should have a full review up by Wednesday.

Also, my new laptop probably won't be in until Friday at the latest, thanks to NewEgg's shoddy customer support interface and partly to a small mistake on my part. Sigh.

Anyway, Persona 3 design book finally came in, and I picked up the newest Wormwood: Gentleman Corpse volume. So blah. More later.

A Sorrowful Goodbye for a Week

2008-06-12T19:17:00.001-04:00

I just got finished huffing the fresh-print fumes of the artbook for Metal Gear Solid 4. After it finishes installing, I will be gone for a week.

And during which I am refusing to switch shirts.

I am Big Boss.

Goodbye.

Bass Bucks, Beating the Unbeatable and Bearing Boredom (With Baited Breath and Brush-strokes)

2008-06-08T15:09:00.009-04:00

So, this week is already looking up, and I'm pretty fucking stoked about it. Not only have I realized my articulate potential in context of the letter "B", but things have already started off on a high note. Immediately, the minuscule accomplishment would be this:

I fucking destroyed Contra 4. That's right.

I dealt with your tough-as-nails boss battles. Your inability to let me breathe amidst all the chaos going on in this levels, all the frustrated grunts of death and swarms of robots strangely resembling Harvey Birdman. Your need to make me platform way more than I'm comfortable with. Like a testament to the willpower of humanity (me), I did it. Your Tron-esque digital heads? Destroyed. Mutated giant cat-fish with laser-beam eyes? Davey Jones' locker. Your giant alien with a meat-hook for a tail? Somewhere at the bottom of a river.

I'm sorry Contra 4, but we both knew it would come to this. You can only frustrate Ryan Esquire so much before my black man with his golden AK-47 push your shit in. And I promise that I will make you my bitch in whatever spare time I have. I don't care what you think about our relationship, I only hurt you because I love you.

Alternatively, I picked up Viva Pinata.

Today, however, is a great day musically. I play guitar, and I have an old bass with a cracked neck that's worth less than the shipping cost to sell it. I'd been half-assedly browsing bass guitars for some time now, so I was extremely happy today when I get a phone-call about a Fender Precision bass being sold for $50. Soft-case included.

Needless to say, I'm pretty happy about it. It's been awhile since I've been able to get my funk out, so I'll be plugging it in this afternoon and flooding the neighborhood with WOMPWOMP-DUDU-BUNK-DU-DUDU-BUNK-DU and whatnot. (That's how you spell slap bass lines)

Also, I've been messing around further with this nifty DS paint application, and while I have done anything remarkable yet, I've been working on a few paintings of Jessica Rabbit with a gas mask and even more latex that I hope will turn out decently. But all of this is just biding my time until later on this week when I finally place the order for my laptop. Not only that, but I'm expecting a bit of mail from a friend, as well as my own copy of the Persona 3 official design book and a Metal Gear Solid t-shirt.

Swanky, I know. Nerdy, I know... sadly. Also, with any luck, I should have GTAIV before the end of the month. Probably going to pick up Eternal Darkness and Beyond Good and Evil for the Gamecube, as well. It's pretty much been collecting dust since I finished Metal Gear Solid: the Twin Snakes. Which reminds me...

So... so close.

DS Painting

2008-06-05T17:15:00.004-04:00

Yeah. Yeeeah. Yeah.

Whoops. Robots, Tits and Twin Snakes.

2008-06-05T08:26:00.006-04:00

Um. Whoops. Forgot I planned on consistently updating this thing. Anyway, haven't played much of anything over the past few weeks for a few reasons, but eh.

The Gamecube ended up coming in faster than I'd thought, so I immediately popped in my copy of of Metal Gear Solid: The Twin Snakes. I couldn't shake the big dumb grin off of my face as I barreled through the cavern entrance, delighting in the sound of choking soldiers in my new 128 bit get-up. Doubly so whenever I felt the power of first-person view. However, it was going to take more than several cut-scenes of exposed cleavage, PSG-1's and Kurdish accents, Sniper Wolf.

Everything was going so well at first. It played just like Metal Gear Solid, but instead of the amazingly pixellated and out-of-date graphics had been replaced with gorgeously rendered and fluid... polygons. However, soon you start to notice that a few things are missing. Nothing like weapons, entire sections of the story, anything to that effect. Just that entire blocks of dialog had been axed, and several scenes that any Metal Gear Solid fanatic would overdose on nostalgia over were suddenly gone without any explanation. At first, I asked myself if it was because Meryl showing her panties might've been considered more adult content, but I don't see how you can add in new scenes of soldiers getting their torsos separated, but all of the sudden panties are off limits. Violence is great, sex is better. That's when I figured it out. These scenes were cut out because all of these horribly cheesy Matrix-esque cut-scenes after nearly every boss battle had to someway sneak their way onto the game. I don't want to see Snake throwing a grenade in mid-air after doing a barrel roll to dodge a missile and keeping debris from nailing him in the face, I know he's badass. Let's see some ass.

The boss battles themselves are mostly jokes, unfortunately. The fight with Revolver Ocelot might've been one of the most underwhelming battles of the entire game. If you waste a bullet, you're just a horrible player. Your gun locks onto him whenever you have the chance to inflict damage, so you essentially chase him, press A. Continue chasing. Wait five seconds. Press A. Do this ad nauseum and you win. In fact, the only boss battle that changed for the more challenging was the tank fiasco. Even then, falling in these small trenches is more mildly annoying and frustrating than it is a nice challenge. Especially after you have to scrape yourself off the tread of a tank.

Really though, the game was just too easy in general, due to one major aspect: first-person view. Metal Gear Solid was designed with it's original limitations in mind, and I wound up finishing the game in a little over five and a half hours. I found myself being able to blaze through corridors that I remember being amazingly challenging, mainly because I was able to use the first-person view to take care of every challenge before it had the chance to see me.

So, I'm not even going to go into the useless additions like dog tags. No one gives a fuck about those. The question is, am I happy with it? Beyond the fact that it's an absolute breeze and frustratingly so without several scenes and dialog that I used to fawn over, I'm pretty pleased with it. I still find myself popping it in every now and again just to put on the stealth camouflage and assassinate soldiers as they dumbly stare at me. There's something extremely satisfying about seeing Shadow Moses, the definitive setting of my PSX days, bumped up to superbly animated 128-bit glory, and seeing most of the characters that I originally fell in love with returning. So if anything, Metal Gear Solid: The Twin Snakes is that friend you loved to hang out with in high school who got fat. You still love them, but you could go without the useless extras.

Alternatively, I cannot stop playing Contra 4. It's like heroin. I can't put it down now that I've actually got past the third level. I keep setting myself these small in-game goals that make me feel like a black, golden AK47-toting badass as I gun down giant fireball-spewing aliens with the shotgun upgrade. muttering off victory speeches in ebonics as that "muhfugga" falls to the ground in flames. I haven't lost a single life during the battle. Man, did I feel accomplished.

Just like the 8/16-bit days of old, it is. Just as mind-numbingly frustrating as well, especially if you're like me and find yourself having to snap out of diving in the same hole you've been dying in five times after respawning and still not being able to shake the feeling of impending doom from exploding mutated freaks, or robots that look like Harvey Birdman packing heat.

I'm really enjoying a lot of it, though. It feels so great to be able to play such old-school platforming glory that makes you work for your score regardless of what difficulty level you try to play. Even though later on the scenarios in this game become "bad -> horrible -> 'OH MY GOD HOW DO I FUCKING DO THIS?!"', there's an amazing feeling of tension whenever you're jumping from handlebars to handlebars on a giant fucking missile flying through space, while simultaneously having to dodge rockets and remain steadily hanging at your platform constantly twists you into the direction of enemy fire.

Needless to say, you feel rewarded when you actually pull it off.

Speaking of the DS, I managed finding this incredibly neat homebrew application for it. For those people that have an R4 or M3, you should check out something named "Colors" (http://www.collectingsmiles.com/colors/), an application mimicking photoshop with a tablet that turns your DS into a portable sketchbook. I've been toying around with it all morning, seeing what sort of things I can come up with.

You get the idea, though.

Outside of that, I preordered the Popbot collection by Ashley Wood, and next week Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots finally hits stores. And and and, new laptop for Ryan. :D Also plan on picking up Grand Theft Auto IV for the 360 if my income tax gets in soon. Yeah.

I can finally play Xbox Live and leave DC++/IRC on at the same time. It'll be great.

Kind of a shitty update, but there'll be more good stuff soon. Hopefully.

Finding Yourself on Existential Saturday

2008-05-18T01:09:00.005-04:00

I hate those. I've realized that I think my life is boring. I spent my Saturday drawing Jessica Rabbit in dominatrix gear for a future tattoo, and later on picking up season one of "Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law" and "Snatch," which I've needed to pick up for awhile. Afterwards, I just did nothing except read about shit nobody cares about and listened to bands no one has ever heard of. I think it's safe to say that I view myself pretty unsatisfactory. So I figured, of all the reading I've done, why not put it to some good use?

So, I am. I've already been compiling a list of things to do next year (no way in hell I can afford it before then), and I'm liking it so far. Immediately, I'm going to do something that makes so much sense in context that I couldn't just pass it up: I'm going to go to the Dallas Fetish Ball.

So what if there's a high probability of gay men? I'll wade through any sausage talk I have to in order to see absolutely teasing women in gear you could only see after paying monthly fees of $25. Not to mention, I have curiosities about the lifestyle in genre that I want put to rest. I don't care how nerdy it is to ask women how dressing in latex makes them feel, I'm going to be the creepy guy that just has to know. And it'll be awesome.

I figure while I'm there, I'll check out Daniel Johnston's "Hi How Are You?" mural. I'm not going to bother going into detail about the guy, but I'll just say that his music is absolutely horrid. I'm not interested in it because of that, but more of the historical impact he's had on music and the stigma associated with the guy.

(Sans tourist)

Also, I'm going to satisfy all my needs for urban pioneering. Going to a coin washers. Getting lost in the metro somewhere. All of it. And it will be glorious.

As far as visiting another country goes, I still want to visit Russia for some strange reason. I won't be knocking that out any time soon, though.

Outside of all of that, just got a new book. It's probably going to be in pretty horrid condition, but I absolutely have to read about it, as it just came to my attention that a major aspect of the Samurai lifestyle was homosexuality. Though, it's destined to be filled with Engrish, I can easily find myself enjoying the book, as it sheds much more light on what I've realized is a nation built on conflicting history.

I'll also be selling my dad's guitar on eBay, and hopefully buy out some rare games with the capital gained from it. If I've added up all the figures correctly, I could have a new laptop and PSP within two months. There're at least three copies of both Digital Devil Saga 1 and Nocturne in town, and that'd be practically easy money. Not to mention, the several other copies of both Metal Gear Solid: The Twin Snakes and Devil Summoner floating around. Probably have the first auction up within the week. Joy, joy, joy.

But, I'll close up this boring babble with a movie that's going to be so awesome that it's got to be sinful: Worst Case Scenario. Currently in pre-production, the film is going to be about Nazi fucking zombies invading. One of the two trailers out now runs the gamut in 2:47 from hilarious to brilliant-looking.

Check it out:

That's all, though.

You Make Me Touch Your Hands for Stupid Reasons

2008-05-16T15:29:00.003-04:00

It's been... one of those weeks. Sigh. Anyway.

So, I really don't like Nintendo. It's irrational and dumb, but I just really don't. I especially never expected that I'd buy a Gamecube, but I did. Why? Metal Gear Solid: Twin Snakes. Managed to find a complete copy in Gamestop today, and picked it up against my better judgment. Wait, who am I kidding? I'm a fanboy, and there it was. I pretty much did it without hesitation, but seriously. I love the fact that no one anywhere near here plays good games. It's just... so awesome. Anyway, outside of the PSP games and Acid series, which is just totally worthless, I have everything MGS for the 128-bit era. Here comes the snide nostril flair.

Anyway, while I was looking for it in Gamestop, I think I met my first actual weeaboo. At first, I was kind of interested. Then after he started telling me about his tattoos about Bleach, I started to feel this weird sensation in the back of my throat. You know how it feels right before you feel like vomiting? That was it. The only thing that came out of this guy's mouth was "Bleach" this, "Death Note" that, and it's just obnoxious. You're a slightly overweight and balding twenty-five year old dude, shouldn't you be doing something a little bit more productive than wasting your time watching animes with little to no originality or value? Couldn't you at least quit being a J-phile faggot long enough to pick up any of the plethoras of good Western art? No, you can't. "Japan is superior." Ugh.

Outside of that, I've really been thinking about doing some traveling over the next few years. Specifically, I think that when I actually like how I look, I'll go to a fetish ball. I'd probably make myself look like an absolutely diffident ass, but I really want to witness something like that before I die. I've also been sketching out a few tattoo designs, some of which I'm really liking so far. We'll see how it goes.

Anyway, short entry, but haven't updated in a week. There you go.

Sporadic Saturdays and Sundays

2008-05-11T11:40:00.005-04:00

So, I have a feeling I'm going to be bored for the next week and a half. Sigh. Yesterday was pretty bad, I decided to actually start moving around 2 PM and played Persona 3 FES for a little while. As much as I love the game, it truly does get annoying sometimes.

Don't get me wrong, I love the game. I really do. The game-play has amazing depth to it, and the social aspect of the game is a hell of a lot more entertaining than I'd ever suspected. Not to mention, Mitsuru is so much fun to look at. Red hair? Perky breasts? Mhmmm. Seems like the controlling type as well.

Beyond that, it gets so frustrating some times. Nothing like being stuck on a floor and finding out that after power-leveling for god knows how long, death has suddenly appeared and is out for blood. Your blood. Though, I've managed to keep from getting hit by it so far, it's been skin-of-my-teeth dashes for the next floor or tele-pad. Not to mention, why is it that the tele-pads never appear when you actually need them? One battle, everyone in my party gets sick. However, it seems like I always end up having to climb three more floors before I actually find one. Which knocks me out of Tartarus for a day. Not so much of a problem considering I might've accidentally made the game way too easy, and I'm two weeks of in-game time ahead of schedule, but even so. Such an annoyance.

Anyway, after taking my sweet Kendo team manager girlfriend out to gawk at jewelry and having giggled at the strangely sexist dialog (Typical woman, tsk tsk), I decided to cut it off for awhile and curtail an urge I'd been having for some time: beat Resident Evil 4 again.

The last time I saved, I was just before putting done Krauser for the final time. Admittedly, as much as the first fight made me gnash and grind my teeth, the second time around was so much more enjoyable. Immediately, I pity all the poor saps that have this for the Gamecube (Even though I'll be getting a Gamecube, and probably Resident Evil 4 along with Metal Gear Solid: Twin Snakes...). Dodging on the Playstation 2 is so, so much easier. Outside of that, this time around I had the Killer7 maxed out, and the 100-round clip on the Stryker (Only the American version was cool enough to misspell "Striker"), so the battle went by almost seamlessly. Even the battle with Lord Saddler went by frictionless. Of course, this time I didn't idiotically fire off pathetically-placed rounds into his snout, as I actually remembered where to shoot'em this time. The thing that didn't change? The god damn jet-ski get away. I always fucking nail myself on falling obstacles. Sigh. Anyway, I'll probably be starting it again soon to get the infinite launcher.

Also, finally tried out Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne. Seriously, if I have any advice to offer at all, it's this: mail your friends something. Even if you don't get anything, it's worth the satisfaction of communication alone. Anyway, I fell in love almost immediately. The game looks so god damn gorgeous, which seems to be a reoccurring aspect of the MegaTen franchise.

How can you not like this? The answer is the music, but that's besides the point. In the first fifteen minutes, the world as your character (Deniz Groznyj) knows it gets annihilated due to a massive demonic-influenced catastrophe known as "The Conception." Then, your body is perforated by magical maggots. Yeeeeeesssss. Can't wait to play it after I finish Persona 3 FES. And Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots. And Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Summoner.

Also, I've been playing a lot of Kirby Squeak Squad. As much as I absolutely dislike Nintendo, I cannot get away from my strange love for Kirby games. I just hope I'm not the only person on the face of this planet who curses profusely at the game, but fuck does it get somewhat difficult the closer you get to the end. And it always seems that no matter what I do, I keep on unlocking more shit to do. Which is not what I wanted, dammit. Now I have to got back through all the stages and collect these ghosts that I dim-wittedly released from imprisonment. God damn ghosts.

I've almost finished getting all the scrolls for the various items, and a lot of them are incredibly neat. Few things are as fun as being a UFO, especially when your favorite show as a kid was "Sightings." :B Anyway, I've unlocked all of the boss battles, sudden death mode, blah blah blah. Just... played this game way too fucking much. And I probably won't stop after 100%'ing it either.

Also, I've been trying out more of the DS games I've just had lying around for... almost a year now. Decided to give Sonic Rush: Adventure a spin last night, and I have to say that it's actually pretty fun. After the unanimously agreed-upon trainwrecks that was the Sonic Adventure series, it's refreshing to see a Sonic closer to the older games with some neat new additions, except for the strange amount of dialog. Any is too much, really. I want to press right and win, dammit.

Beyond that, there's a lot of orientation-shifting not unlike Paper Mario, but there's something less juvenile about a Hedgehog with sweet speed shoes. You can go from quickly speeding through a stage without a care, to grinding down terraces while avoiding obstacles. Definitely interesting to say the least.

And finally, played Ikaruga. Without a doubt, the Dreamcast still reigns as the system that never released a game for pussies. Unforgivingly rough, the game was released on X-Box Live arcade, and I had to get it. One of the first games I ever had was a scrolling shooter, and I've always been drawn to the Raiden and Mars Matrix-type "WHAT THE FUCK AAAAAAAAAAAH" hail of gunfire types, but Ikaruga is just an entirely new breed of horrifying. As unique and cool as being able to flip the polarity of your ship is, it causes some unnecessary annoyances here and there. Two player games, for instance, gets hectic when you're not playing in conjunction. Even though I spent most of my time trying to force my friend into the walls in a fit of friendly competition, you might occasionally find your partner oriented with the black side, while you're the white. Now, if she destroys anything and gets black power, make it a point to stay the fuck away, or else your ship will explode. Yeah. Learned that the hard way.

I haven't even been able to make it that far in the game, god dammit. Anyway...

Outside of the myriad of games that I decided to plow through, I finally got my copy of the third volume of Hack/Slash, and I really love it so much. The series has such a lovable self-parodying humor about it that you can't really ignore, and save for a few changes in artistry, the artwork has been beyond fantastic, which is always welcome. Especially when taking into context the pedestrian femme fatale Cassie Hack. I don't see how you can't fall in love with her, even if she is an absolutely sadistic bitch and closetted lesbian. Sigh. It seems that these days, all the best women are drawn.

Anyway, admittedly I was never a fan of the Chucky series. As a matter of fact, the series terrified me when I was a child. The last thing any seven year old wants to see is that the very playthings he confides his imagination in could somehow come to life and attempt to fucking kill him. Seriously, what sadistic asshole would do such a thing? Besides the point, in this volume, Cassie Hack and Vlad do battle with the wise-cracking (or cheese-spewing) killer doll. As much as I really don't dig on the Child's Play series, it's been some time since I laughed out loud at a graphic novel. Also, I'm unashamed to say that I got hard whenever Cassie started to square off with the tentacle monster. Definitely the first time throughout the series that I wasn't pulling for the well-endowed protagonist. Everyone on the internet knows that no matter of kung fu or nail bats can protect you from the gargantuan sex drive of a tentacle demon. However, I'll let this one go. This time.

I'll be pre-ordering the fourth volume next week, as well as picking up the Popbot collection by Ashley Wood. Until then, I've got lame comics to draw.

Shadowplay and Bullshitting about Persona 3 FES

2008-05-07T11:28:00.004-04:00

So, in a fit of devotion to artist Ashley Wood, and after Wormwood: Gentleman Corpse, Ben Templesmith, I picked up Shadowplay, well aware of the fact that Wood's story was about a doctor uncovering a massive vampiric sex slave trade-ring for humans.

Don't let the tame cover art fool you. Little did I know that after opening it up, my hormones would rage like a stampede of elephants manned by robots, taking aim at their enemies with stockpiles of missiles and chain guns mounted on the shoulders of the mammoth animals. It starts out innocent enough, train ride to some secluded place in Europe, and then bam. Tits are being milked with suction cups, dilated snatches, women having their innards probed by mechanical tentacles, even an attempted nude and bed-strapped lobotomy. Sure, the story doesn't come without it's cheese, but it's something you can look past considering the rather ballsy and well-done art for your eyes (and primitive impulses) to feed on. I have never liked Vampires this much. Seriously.

And what kind of entry would it be if I didn't ramble on about Persona 3 FES?

It seems the game has stuck it's digital tendrils into my head with a pretty pathetic vengeance. I got a game thinking it was going to be a nice break from your typical Playstation 2 RPG. I don't think I had the foresight to take into consideration the fact that the game-play is so involving on two gargantuan levels, almost like there are two different facets to this game. I've been feeling the need to write down a calendar so I know who to talk to, when I need to talk to them, just so my Personas will be created with an extra set too many of EXP testicles. The characters you meet and talk to are usually interesting, save for a few twats like Kenji. Such a god damn... weenie.

Look at him. Such a twat. Sigh.

Anyway, as of recently, my relationship with the Kendo team manager Yuko.

(Ok, seriously. The only place I could find a picture of her was for rule /34/, and it doesn't even look like her. Oh well, I'm fapping after this is finished anyway)

Kendo team manager? Hopefully that means sweet flexibility.

Outside of the personal relationships you develop, battle, as simplistic as it seems, is a completely different animal. The complex arrangements of your character and team set-up greatly influence how you fair later on in the game. Admittedly, I'm a control-freak when it comes to RPG's. I like being able to manipulate everything to make sure the flow of battle has as few mistakes as possible, so I was a bit weary to learn that you only control one character in Persona. However, the AI has done an incredible job maintaining all of the characters in battle, and it's probably the thing that has impressed me the most about this game. The only MegaTen game I had experience with before Persona 3 FES, was Devil Summoner, and though the AI isn't so bad in that game, there were a few instances where I began gnashing my teeth because my fellow demons decided to run in front of every fire-ball or sword swipe. But yeah, Persona has done a fantastic job as far as AI strategy is concerned. Except for one minor hitch. God damn Iori Junpei.

Just look at him. He's like the manga version of Fred Durst. This is the only character who absolutely refuses to work with the rest of my party. Where are my Zio spells when I need to take out a batch of strong enemies? Akihiko's got me covered. Mitsuru? Lays waste to groups of enemies with her Bufu skills. Who's there when I need fire? Me. Junpei's too busy doing everything he can to be an ineffective addition, it seems. It's not a major snag, considering you can switch out your characters for battle at the current place I'm at chronologically, but man. What a dick.

Anyway, I should be getting Nocturne today, amongst other things. I'm unreasonably excited about it, and really can't wait. "Giddy as a schoolgirl bitch," they say. But, that's really all that I have to add at this point.

Robot Women and Delicious Sprite Bondage

2008-05-04T23:12:00.003-04:00

It really is that glorious. Nearing 20 hours, and barely a tenth of the way through. Wow, just wow. I've scraped less than 10% of available Personas, and I still feel like time is quickly running out before I can get anything actually done in Tartarus. Sigh.

Nothing quite lifts my spirits like robot women crashing the self-loathing party.

Talk about a pick-me-up. Not even going to bother why robot women have to be a staple of gaming, because there's such an obvious answer. It's every male's dream to be able to program something into a mix of innocent loli and super-cool femme fatale, but maintaining a want in their digital souls to make their men sandwiches all night long.

However, I find that preposterous. Not exactly crazy about sandwiches. That being said, I do enjoy every time I get to say I have a swanky female cyborg in my party with a rack that draws small, furry rodents into orbit. Just recalls a particular blue-haired cybertronic sweetheart to mind. KOS-MOS.

Seriously. When you're able to pull several feet-long machine guns out of thin air, where else is the male mind supposed to go? It wonders on about what other little nifty gadgets she could manifest. It starts out simple. "I wonder if she could do that with Playstation 3's." Eventually, you'll be desperately browsing through Google image trying to find something about her using tentacles in a way that would make a Japanese fisherman shudder.

Anyway, managed to pick up a copy of Odin Sphere finally, and regardless of everything I had seen and read, the graphics are absolutely gorgeous. I have never had my jaws hang after starting a game. Of course, the dialog definitely brought me back down to earth, but it's such eye-candy that you really just don't care about plot, game-play mechanics, numerous slow-down times, anything. It's just beautiful.

Also, I'm really hoping it starts a trend. Bondage in video games.

Ah, Atlus! I am the Jew and you are my bagel. You know just how to get to me, every single time.

However, my amazement didn't last too particularly long. I wound up grinding my teeth and staring at the television screen, biting my lip as I encountered a boss battle that shouldn't be so tough and amazingly cheap. Though, I have to give it to Odin Sphere, they make you shit yourself when you find out you're fighting a dragon.

This guy? Is an asshole. God. I'm sure that a particular person is going to be laughing when they hear about all the trouble I'm having with Odin Sphere, but fuck me, man. Next time, I'll try and devote more energy and strategy into it, my soul still belongs to Persona 3 FES.

Jimi Hendrix Penetrates from the Netherworld

2008-05-02T01:05:00.002-04:00

"Just when Jimi Hendrix couldn't get any more radical, he does this," said witnesses to the gruesome scene. "I mean, he totally revolutionizes the way people view the electric guitar, invigorates the sixties with a sense of undivided coexistence, and then returns from the grave to release a sex tape."

While, sites such as www.boingboing.net have released articles claiming to have "covered" the event, eye-witnesses that I have personally come into contact with say there was an entirely different element to the story.

"It makes sense that it wouldn't be printed," says University of Washington professor "Big" Richard Uckwad. "No one wants the mass hysteria of zombies floating around, even though that those of us who knew James Marshall Hendrix knew about his relatively passive demeanor."

It's quite ironic in context, however. The scene was anything but passive, as Jimi proved that years of decay don't stop a dead rocker's sex drive. Successfully, he took on two women at once, dazed by the history obviously, as other sources say that the smell wasn't too pleasant. Several people reported loose-hanging appendages, and in some case a lack of digits. However, the women seemed all too eager to take in one and a half fingers.

"Those sluts totally wanted Jimi's rockin' undead cock," reported another witness. "It was psychedelic to say the least, man. He's all stiff... Huh-huh. Stiff. Yeah, stiff man. Obviously the rigor mortis had given him some over-the-top meat, you know what I mean? And these girls weren't exactly vegetarians, they licked it clean of dirt and maggots. I'm telling you, fuckin' Hendrix comes out swinging."

Speaking of coming, another reported what happened afterwards: "It was kind of weird," says sixteen year-old Delilah Boudea. "Like, I've slept with a few guys, and I didn't know what to do with it, you know? I mean like, is it poisonous? I mean, I know it gives you babies and stuff. Well, not me, we like, practice safe sex, but it totally does, you know! I'm not so sure, though. I heard, like, some strange groan and this strange green goo shot out of his thing. Oh god, I think I even saw a few maggots! Those women he were with though, like, totally ate it up."

Afterwards, Anticoolblog spent time in the coroners office talking with the doctor post-autopsy. "It's ridiculous," he says. "You don't fuck a zombie and walk away with the brains necessary to tell about it." He re-affirms this by revealing one of the cadevers.

(After the wound has been cleaned)

However, editor-in-chief of Anticoolblog spent time with a defense force assigned to control the problem of a hormone-driven zombie terrorizing Washington. It was determined that, after long hours of research on both the horrifying undead and totally killer rock and roll study that there is only one way to dispense of something of this unnaturally awesome calibur. Drugs had already killed Jimi Hendrix, so there was only one option left: a plane crash. After some clever luring with defenseless white women carrying bags of LSD, James Marshall Hendrix was successfully coaxed onto the plane, which later crash landed in a volcano.

I am also happy to report that everyone here is safe, and that we've come into contact with a copy of Odin Sphere, as well as our book by Ashley Wood, 48 Nude Girls, finally arriving today. However, we're having a bit of trouble sleeping, so we'll be cutting it short this time.

Joshua Hoffine and Wednesday Being the Day Before Thursday

2008-04-30T18:49:00.001-04:00

So, I'm back from the internet. I don't know how I stumbled across Joshua Hoffine, but I'm glad I did. I usually find it tough to get excited or inspired about photography, mainly because most of the photographers I've experienced contact with found their calling with indie faux-glamor shots for MySpace. Outside of the occasional shot of a building in Venice, I find it fairly unremarkable until I see things like Joshua Hoffine. Doubly so when he says that he was inspired by Disney Cartoons. I don't know about you, but I just find it a bit tough to connect Disney to Hoffine.

Okay, maybe I overlooked Alice in Wonderland. (Though to be fair, Jan Svankmajer and Jefferson Airplane have both pretty much hijacked it from Disney, so...) From what you can see of his online portfolio, it runs the gamete from marginally discomforting to downright creepy, and it's just lovely the things he does with props. Reminds me of the times I couldn't sleep in my room, because my eyes were fixated on this ceiling corner that was pitch black. It seemed easy to imagine that arms with thousands of elbows and knuckles were easing their way out towards my bed. I still don't put my feet to close to the bottom of the bed these days. Pretty bad for a twenty year-old, but whatever. With Joshua Hoffine doing what he does, I do feel better about it.

Anyway, kind of off the regular path, but I just feel like writing about a few things. First of all, in between the various YouTube videos and searching the internet annals for 34 of Bobby's World and The Brave Little Toaster, I tend to do a bit of forum browsing. Sometimes it irks me to read it, though. I don't consider myself the exact definition of romantic, but something is kind of sad whenever you see denizens of the internet having to refer to sociologist studies to back up their ideas of relationships and marriage. Perhaps I missed the train full of people who wanted to join in with the statistical bandwagons, but I'm glad I got left behind. Here I was, thinking that the best relationships are the ones that do it their own way. Man, how deluded! You've taught me again, internet. Sigh.

Enough of that, though. I've been trying more and more to draw actual bondage art these days, and I think I'm well passed the Zen state of mind about it at this point. I'm not so sure if it's just my inner art-fag staring bright-eyed at the photos and sketches, but something about it seems absolutely intriguing. The more and more I think about it, the more it seems to make sense. Sexuality is one of the most basic aspects of human consciousness, and art has always been about being able to evoke a feeling. Extremely basic train of thought, but there's something more than sexuality involved in bondage. Or at least what I'm interested in.

(Maybe Masuimi Max was a bad example)

Completely separate from all that though, pretty stoked for tomorrow and Friday. I'm wearing things I haven't been able to wear in years, so I'm pretty eager to keep the exercise routine going. I'll also be grabbing Odin Sphere (finally) and a PS2 memory card adapter for the Playstation 3, so I can finally start playing Resident Evil 4 again in my spare time without having to upgrade my weapons all over again. Because I'm a pussy. Even though, I do love constantly hearing "WOT'RE YA BUYIN" and wondering exactly what the mysterious merchant is hiding underneath his piles of raggedly clothes...

(source: the internet)

And on Friday, my friend will be owning up to his proposal. One essay and edit job for a free dinner at Chili's. It'll be a day filled with delicious chicken strips, bullshitting waitresses and convincing them that I'm allergic to ice, and flailing my head around while the guys from Lightning Bolt drive monolithic bass riffs and Ritalin-assisted bursts of hyper-speed drum fills into my skull. I get goosebumps just thinking about it. That book I ordered by Ashley Wood might even get here tomorrow. Maybe.

REVEAL TRUE POWER. SHOOT YOURSELF IN THE HEAD.

2008-04-28T19:58:00.000-04:00

As of today, I've lost 16 pounds. Take that, Jared Fogle, all NORP-ish with your... delicious foot-long sub sandwiches.

So, I've quit playing Valkyrie Profile 2: Silmeria. Metal Gear Solid? Yep. SMT: Devil Summoner? Eeeeh. Though, to be honest, Valkyrie Profile was the only game I was really playing, Metal Gear Solid was more of a "Well, I have the box-set. Now what?" deal. I... just can't help it though. I have to stare slack-jawed and drooling at Persona 3 FES while I do this strange, nervous square-dance and grit my teeth at the challenging encounters that shouldn't be so difficult. Or mid-terms.

I mean, what's a guy to do? You're presented a gorgeous game that almost 100% does away with RPG aesthetic, you can't just ignore it. You can't turn a blind eye while your characters blow their digitized brains out to perform a weak magic spell. You can't just ignore all the Japanese school-girls waiting to "connect" with you, or even simple tasks like imaginary karaoke and pheramone coffee. You can't. You're mandated to watch. It calls you. It eats your soul. It eats your soul.

Also, as I do with all new games or graphic novels, I immediately search for rule 34. I had no doubt Persona 3 would have it, but holy fuck man, thirteen pages? Might be just a tad bit much. Anyway, I've strangely felt "cheeky" today, so I doubt I have the goo needed to work up another go-around tonight. Fortunate for a certain part of my anatomy.

At any rate, my copy of 48 Nude Women (Inventive title, eh?) by Ashley Wood should be in tomorrow. Unreasonably excited about that, I'm really intrigued about seeing what his individual art style can do to the female body. Maybe if I'm lucky, I'll see some /d/. Wouldn't it be nice? Sigh.

Clearing Up Something and a Small Update (As if It's Being Read)

2008-04-27T21:33:00.000-04:00

I've been listening to Lightning Bolt all day. "Wonderful Rainbow" will throw your body into sloppy and spastic convulsions, the thumping bass riffs pounding against your head like something trying to claw it's way out.

Anyway, it was said that I have amazing luck when it comes to finding games, which I'm going to clear up. Luck somewhere, lack of elsewhere. Though, if I randomly happen upon Shine Megami Tensei: Nocturne, then I'll concede. But until then, I've got the luck of a no-legged race horse. Imagine it flopping about on the track dirt, writhing it's intestines into a knot before it dies a pathetic death.

I've always wanted to see what horse tasted like.

As far as Metal Gear Online goes, it finally finished installing the update. However, it turns out that as the update was updating, another update was released at 6:00 PM EST. So, download, install, update, update, register Konami and Game ID, play. While, I felt a bit underwhelmed at first, I think that could mostly be attributed for the long and unnecessary wait to actually play the damned thing.

Anyway, this next bit is more of a reminder for me than anything. There are three immediate things I need to find. The first (and probably the easiest) is the first volume of the original Metal Gear Solid graphic novel. There were five on eBay before I left, and none when I returned. I'll check periodically, but it won't be too tough getting ahold of it.

The second is Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne. In the past two months, I've fallen in love with the MegaTen universe, and by coincidence alone managed to collect all of the titles released for the PS2(Excluding Persona 3): Digital Devil Saga 1, 2; Persona 3 FES; Devil Summoner: Raidou Kuzunoha versus the Soulless Army. All I need it Nocturne, and even though I know I can grab it online(for much less than Digital Devil Saga 1, especially), I'm not stoked about paying $60+ for it.

The last, and without a doubt the absolute hardest is a cold, hard (or flexible?) copy of "History That Has No Effect" by Battles' guitarist Tyondai Braxton. The imprint that pressed it was JMZ Records, and as you can probably tell, they're more-or-less out of business. Even then, something about sending a money order to New York with such a shady-looking website is a bit unsettling. Outside of that, I haven't been able to find it available anywhere online.

So much for luck, eh?

Persona 3 FES: Soul Reaver, Digital Devil Awesome, and Kuntnami

2008-04-26T21:30:00.000-04:00

Perhaps you may have read about Konami's printing problem with Metal Gear Online. We all have them from time to time, printing still remains to be the hardest aspect of computer usage these days. So, if you were a good little fanboy (Like I was) and pre-ordered a copy of Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots, you might notice something strange about your promo code. It's only got nine digits. No big deal, right? Just do some clever Googling here and there, and get in touch with Konami help and support. Simple enough.

Actually, no. After sending three e-mails, they responded about a day later saying that they were going to need picture confirmation. I can understand that, sure. So, it's sent. Two hours later, I'm waiting for a response and nothing. After tracking down their phone number, I call in and mention how I got a botched code, like a few thousand other people. They ask me if I've sent an e-mail. Only about five god-damn times, I say. They ask where's the picture that I attached. I told them they should have at least three e-mails with the picture, and apparently they don't. They snidely inform me that "they don't have time for fraudulent support calls," and I figure that maybe calling in is a waste of time. After forty-five minutes pass, I get a full code. Then I get some sleep.

I don't get sleep because I'm tired, I get sleep because after downloading and installing Metal Gear Online, there's an update immediately available for it. No big deal, I think. That was six hours ago.

So, thanks. Thanks Konami.

Anyway, I've been buying out Shin Megami Tensei games recently. It started after accidentally stumbling across a copy of Digital Devil Saga 2 for $17, and I naturally caved. Just recently, I picked up Persona 3: FES. More and more I'm realizing that I have no room to criticize MMO players. How do you put seven hours on a game the first day you have it?

Easy. You join the student council, observe the stacks of rocking tits you'll eventually be able to take out to raise your Personas, demons you're able to conjure forth in battle after shooting yourself in the head, studying, attending after-school Kendo practice... Ugh. So, so much to do in this addicting and absolutely gorgeous looking game. I'd be playing it right now, staring slack-jawed and squint-eyed at the television screen to see, if and only if MGO wasn't still installing.

Also, apparently the gods saw fit to grace me with something amazing last night. A copy of Digital Devil Saga, in my town, for less than $80. Three, no less. I snatched it with the fury of a bereaved mother for $40. A fucking steal, I'd say. Either way, I'll be buying out the last copy in town this week for a friend, but man. The only Shin Megami Tensei game I need for the PS2 now is Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne, and from everything I've read, getting ahold of it will not be very fun. Bluh.

Either way, completed the Digital Devil Saga Series, have Persona 3: FES, and Devil Summoner. I'm loving the series so far, extremely glad I was introduced to it. The neat blend of the occult and individually-designed character is extremely likable, as well as the usually non-linear game-play and stories.

But, that's for another day. Maybe an overall review of Shin Megami Tensei games would be cool, eh? :B

Until then,

Handlebar Mustaches and Jessica Rabbit's Rocking Tits.

2008-04-22T22:37:00.001-04:00

I just got finished watching There Will Be Blood. Aside from the fact that it's a movie I've waited for years to see, the amazing landscapes, the brilliant cinematography, and the stellar acting on Daniel Day-Lewis' part, one thing firmly sticks out in my mind after reading it. One thing that has connect Daniel Day-Lewis' role in Gangs of New York is the appearance of a handlebar mustache.

Sure, it may seem relatively moot and irrelevant at first, but think about the type of person you have to be to intimidate someone with a handlebar mustache. Maybe you're the murderous butcher whose the head of a pre-New York, New Amsterdam gang, intent on festooning your living quarters with the bowels of creatures alien to the Native Sons of New Amsterdam?

Or perhaps you're the bitterly pathological oil tycoon, who refuses to let the mindless droves of citizens you've sworn to protect yourself from attempt to sway you, resulting in maybe a few too many between-you-and-God homicides?

The answer is simple. Cops have mustaches to hide their jaws in case of a well-planned drive-by spitting; truckers have beards to keep their raw, hairy and exposed chests, complete with man-tits, from being unveiled to innocent passer-bys while going down the highway. However, it must be universally realized that nothing quite strikes an elegant fear into onlookers much like a cleverly-utilized handlebar mustache. Even Ocelot from Metal Gear Solid sports a pair of handlebars that eloquently compliment his love of six-shooters and hyper-government conspiracies. If it works for him...

While, it might be easy to debate the placement of a handlebar mustache in today's society, one thing will remain universally true. That specific fact is that the phrase "rocking tits" was developed after the credits rolled on Who Framed Roger Rabbit. The movie revealed a dream-like mish-mash of high-brow 50's Hollywood babes, a frankenchick creation of actress like Marylin Monroe, and... I can't remember the other ones. The formula was simple: take the hips off one actress, the waste off of another, and save the buxom bombshells for last. My my, did the end result turn out beautifully.

"Rocking tits." I know you're thinking it. Stop saying you're a sane male; yes she's a toon. No, she doesn't exist(Though rule 34 does). However, none of this is really the point. Regardless of movies like Heavy Metal, Wizards, or even close-second Holi Would from Cool World, Jessica Rabbit reigns paramount. Leaving only the obvious left to reiterate: "Rocking tits."

Ashley Wood and The Mass

2008-04-21T19:45:00.001-04:00

This artist is rapidly becoming one of my favorites. I picked up the Metal Gear Solid graphic novel, and while it's surprisingly good for a video game adaptation(I've heard the Silent Hill comics were embarrassingly bad), the artwork is absolutely fascinating.

Ashley Wood hails from Australia(Same as Ben Templesmith, must be something in the water), and his artwork is extremely individual and easily identifiable. From what I've been able to gather, he maintains a very angular and sketchy look to his pieces which more often than not, strangely, easily evoke feelings of impending disaster or seething hormones.

Either way, he's done the Metal Gear Solid and Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty graphic novels, and I've almost completed the set. In part because I'm a sucker for strange art styling, but mostly because I'm an absolute Metal Gear Solid fanboy. Anyway, he's also got another comic out named Popbot that I'm extremely interested in picking up. Definitely going to do that in the future, along with more stuff by Ben Templesmith.

And, about the Mass. Not many people have heard of them, but one of the perks of writing for an underground music site is all of the neat little obscure bands that they send you. One that I'd known about prior to writing for that specific site was an experimental group from Oakland, California that fell in line with groups like Yakuza. The Mass succeeded in creating some extremely interesting music that involved saxophone, which immediately sounds very gimmicky admittedly, but yielded extremely interesting results, given the band's talent from writing progressive music that started out relatively standard-fare, but morphed into either furious metal pieces or extremely pensive jazz interludes. The promo album I was sent was titled "Perfect Pictures of Wisdom and Boldness", and I've been giving it several play-throughs as of late, inspiring to pick up their latest limited-edition EP which was released last year, titled "Holocene #6". (Both albums will be ripped and put up, but if you like it, please support the band. This is a group that piracy actually hurts) Their sophomore album, "City of Dis" is also in the mail.

Also finally got my hands on an album by Thoughts of Ionesco after much searching. They're one of those hardcore bands that appeared during the 90's between Botch and Dillinger Escape Plan, so they never really got that much coverage outside of their live shows, which were noted for their violence and confrontation, some of which escalated to amputation. Yep. Although the music is extremely sloppy(As hardcore should be), it's extremely powerful and thick, this specific album("For Detroit, From Addiction") mainly works so well because as much as the music is violent, the lyrics actually do reflect a general tone; that being complete self-hatred and masochism. Outside of the apparent want to break down genre barriers evidenced through tracks like "Black Harmonic," the group succeeded in keeping the personal malevolence that most great hardcore groups maintained while bridging their music with jazzier inclinations, even a bit of IDM here and there. Definitely a group worth hearing.