I'm Glad the Internet Gives Everyone a Chance to Be Heard, But I Still Wish People Would Shut the Fuck Up Sometimes

Rage. It's like cocaine for people who know better, isn't it? Nothing is more invigorating that perusing YouTube and reading about people saying religion is for people who would suppress science, when these same people still believe space and time are two separate things altogether. This isn't about anything as pretentious and uncouth as religion though, a person's private beliefs are theirs and theirs alone.

I used to be a writer for both www.uraniummusic.com and maelstrom.nu, writing about music. They were both eye-opening experiences, and a pretty nasty look inside the world of actual journalism. Admittedly, whenever I read any place doing critical or journalistic work, I tend to be lenient. It's a tough job keeping the fickle population of the 21st century happy word-for-word, and getting death-threats after saying an album with a heavy marketting push "just isn't that great" will give you a quick lesson in how nasty things can be. Still, though, I read certain things that I just can't let go.

I can vivdly recall the days of playing Bump'n'Jump on my father's ColecoVision many moons ago, and the day my hands grasped a Genesis controller ready to take on Sonic 2 was a day that I was changed forever. Games have advanced in leaps and bounds since then, and these days it's no longer a niche thing. If you don't eat Cheetohs while using the P90 with double-tap on Call of Duty 4, you're behind the times. However, I feel like I'm part of a dying breed of gamer. Not to sound like I'm trying to identify myself with over-priced miniature PC's built with DRM in mind, but there isn't anything I isolate myself with. I remember spending my time speed-running through Metal Gear Solid in the 90's during the day, and spamming "show me the money" on Starcraft at night. To this day, I'm still amazed how people can spend all of their time on Team Fortress 2, raising their brows high above console titles that they feel to be inferior (Gears of War withstanding, shit's pretty inferior (I kid, I kid (But seriously though, Gears of War is too brotastic for me))).

Where this segues into journalism is this: gaming blogs and newsfeeds have superceded tech sites such as Slashdot; it's clear where the public mind is set. From being involved with writing, there're normally two ways to approach journalism when it comes to consumerist products:

First--and most frequently--you have the everyman, John Doe writers. These guys don't let their own opinion of games interfere with things, because they're seeing it as if they're trying to sell you something. Monster Hunter Freedom Unite may be one of the most rewarding games in years, but not everyone is man enough to deal with there not being a lock-on button. Regardless of whether or not it's in context, these guys are trying to garner readers and establish a certain credibility. While I can't blame them, you easily realize how easily that mentality can marginalize things in the long run.

Second, you have the authors trying to relegate games into the niche category. One read through Kotaku, and you can easily get the idea that it's garbage. I don't care about staff e-mails, and I don't give a shit that Treyarch's lead producer on Call of Duty: World at War thinks one-shot kill sniper rifles are for fags. I don't go to this site for anything nonspecific. However, this breeds a much bigger issue. This raises the potential for journalists to emerge that guise themselves as having individual prerogatives or different takes on things, when that couldn't be further from the truth. It's a venue for masturbation via-lexicon, where you can safely enjoy the sound of your own tubby digits as they taka-taka-taka against the keyboard. You can convince people that yes, somehow Gunstar Heroes is inferior to Triggerheart Excelica and, oh yeah, make sure women have their hands around dirty dishes being cleaned, not an Xbox controller. I bet they'll even want to vote here soon.

When I write this blog, I don't intend on more than maybe one or two people reading it. While, I'd like to talk about video games, if I feel like elaborating on why Bianca Beauchamp's chest is a clear sign that art is alive and booming in this post-modern era (art is man-made, afterall...), I'll do so. When I say that I'm writing an honest opinion, it's clearly evident that it's the case because I don't expect anyone to read any of this. I do it because I both enjoy writing and grow weary of both of the above.

Of all the things that you could have an agenda about writing, why have one about video games? Is there really a reason to be elitist about items that practically don't exist in the first place? The sort of self-felatio is practically laughable, especially when you're butchering the English language while discussing lesbian Touhou in the process.

In the digital age when you can demo everything and easily hack whatever console, there is no excuse to base everything you read on websites that appeal to one or two people: assholes or idiots.

Alara Reborn, Esper Broken; I BioSuck; Desert Dancing

There are a lot of things I'm ashamed of, but it's nothing like my fetish for BDSM. I mean, how terrible is it anyway? No, the things that are embarrass me are my inability to remove myself from any conversation that's political, musical and Magic.

I played years ago, but recently picked it back up only to remember why I put it down. The art is infinitely better this time around (goodbye apes, gorillas and... apes), and I'm not just saying that to be flattering. When Ashley Wood decides to contribute to anything, I'm almost always on board. Anyway, Conflux is officially out of print, a set that seemed pretty underwhelming in contrast to Shards of Alara. Maybe it's just me, but outside of a few cards that I just cannot live without, another Matca Rioters or Canyon Minotaurs and I probably would've burned my stash (that's a lie). However, I didn't think that Esper, the deck full of artefact creatures, could get anymore broken.

Oh wow, was I wrong. Bant was pretty bad, but Esper was what you wanted to play when you didn't mind being the absolute cock of the table. These days, it feels almost like an unnecessary slaughter. Bant got worse, sure, but Esper has nasty combos that don't take an absolute genius or maverick to play (or pull off).

Here is a list of how to rule the table:


Master Transmuter. Got an Inkwell Leviathan that you want to get out before turn nine? How about a 7/11 with shroud, trample and islandwalk on turn four?

But, you don't have an Inkwell Leviathan, you say. This strategy would take too long to get your health-sap team of Sludge Striders and Parasitic Strixes out, you say. That's all fine, because you've got that taken care of.


Sure, you've still got x Ultimatums and Path to Exiles to worry about, but the idea is simple. Don't worry about the mana cost, pay a blue and tap Master Transmuter whenever to nullify any damage done during any turn.

Then, you'd say, your opponent will eventually get something to pull your Master Transmuter out of play, won't they?

Will they? Why should they? That's where Architects of Will comes in.


Don't ever let him get that Path to Exile or Martial Coup. Pull out Architects of Will with your Master Transmuter and put him back in the next chance you get. Make sure that Banefire is constantly three cards away from where they need it to be: in their hands.

That's not even the full extent of things, though. Arsenal Threshers with Doubling Season? Potential 16/16 for very little? Whew.

Anyway, time to move things on from a less nerdy note (I guess?). I've been on a personal campaign recently, a campaign to finish all the games I started but was always too much of a lazy douchebag to pull off. First on my list? BioShock.

I was kind of dreading it immediately, the last few times I remember playing it weren't pleasant to say the list. It felt like one of those mental blocks where you know you should be better, you just aren't. So, I accepted that I was terrible at this game and just decided to soldier on. I'm at Point Prometheus and things are just getting too unbearably tough. I'm to the point where I berserk my way out of the Vita-chambers and charge at whatever I can with a wrench (I was out of ammo constantly) to take off just a few more hit-points until I inevitably die.

Then, I strong-arm my way to the final boss and it's just too tough. After four hours of frustration, I cut it off and check the manual. There had to be something I was missing. Let's see hear, combat, plasmids, Adam...

Oh.

Oh.

I'm retarded. I hadn't retrieved any Adam from any of these children, save for the first. Humanity managed to attach themselves to a spine, walk upright, turn doorknobs and figure out how to deliver me tits at a decent enough 5 mbps connection. Yet still, some of us have too much of a problem reading sometimes.

Sigh. So, I manage to blow my way through the game in a day and do things the right way. Surely enough, I don't feel any less... non-simian for such an amazingly dull mistake, but at least I managed to put a game I should've beaten ages ago behind me. It's even worse when you think about it, considering it's one of the few FPS' that have such a well-written story, and... hell. It's pretty much not even a first-person shooter. If the phrase "damage resistance" appears anywhere in a game, you know where things are likely to head. Though, I can't help but think the "moral decisions" the game boasted about were just a little bit over-stated. Mathematically, the difference either path makes is minuscule at best, and the endings aren't really drastically different. Think Fallout 3 and the "He was a good man," then the "He was a bad man." Either way, it was a phenomenal experience that left only a few things to nitpick (no rolling over game saves with weapons and plasmids?). BioShock 2 is now on my must-plays, though.

Hopefully I can keep the update train rolling. Next time, I'll be on board to discuss Endless Frontier and some other things I've been working on.

Are You There?

I know I'm a jerk, internet. It's been awhile since we've spoken, I know.. It's just, things have been really busy and frantic, so I haven't had a lot of time on my hands. You just aren't the priority you used to be, and I know I'm an asshole for saying that. Maybe we should just agree to move on and let time heal our wounds? Maybe small talk is the way to rebuilding? I hope so, because I don't.. want to think about how things would be without you.

You taught me that racism was still alive and well, and that black children will still play it regardless. When I think about the experiences you've endowed me with in Resident Evil 5 alone, I can't help but feel assaulted with emotion. The sheer hilarity of getting into rocket launcher duels with Bonnie, or the absolute frustration of always dying in the quicktime event on the ship with the Uroboros. And... yes, even some awkward motion in my pants area. Can you blame me though, internet?

This is not what you wear when you treasure hunt in Africa and expect not to get raped. Just saying.

I know I probably sound like a chauvenist pig, but it's not all raging hormones and pitched tents, I promise. It's a lot more child-like an innocent, too. Plants vs. Zombies? Such a joy you've bestowed upon me, the hours I've sank into this adorable little game.

This wonderful reskin of tower defense pits some of my favorite things in just one game. Zombies, shrooms, zombies plus lawnmowers, zombies plus inflatible rafts... You know exactly what I'm after when it comes to entertainment, and you even piled more onto it. The seemingly endless minigames that are so wonderfully unique (and occasionally infuriating, but I'm not perfect either) and the zen garden, which I can't stop wasting time on all seem worth much more than what it costs.

Maybe with time we can talk more, but I just thought you'd like to hear from me.

A Slight Delay

So, I'm pretty terrible at updating. I realize this. Due to unforseen events like my laptop crapping out and my eyeball feeling like it's just before jetting from its socket, I've put things off a bit. Anyway, moving on.

I know I said this year would be full of Saturn goodies, but I'm going to have to reneg on that. I fucked it up big time, probably going to take a stab at it some time later this year. Picked up both Persona 4 and Dead Space, along with a PSP and many goodies. Unfortunately, all my time has started to sink into one thing: Team Fortress 2.

Admittedly, I'm a little late on the train. The Pyro, Medic and Heavy all had their updates out, which in Valve time is a few decades, so it's nothing new to read about. Rarely have I had so much fun with an FPS, though.
Admittedly, nearly the whole of any community for an FPS would be comprised of absolute dickheads, but along with Team Fortress 2's likable cartoony style comes along a group of rather nice people. Playing on a low-gravity server and bonk dueling in mid-air may feel intense, but it won't go without unanimous laughs across teamspeak. This is great for someone who's totally uncompetitive, like me. Unfortunately, like any first-person shooter, it does come with a few drawbacks.

Don't let the awesome fanart and faux-Australian accent fool you, as wonderful as the Sniper is to play, most of the cunts who choose the class all have the same strategy: "Aim for other Snipers, do Sniper-dance until one of us pulls off a headshot, repeat ad nauseum." Now, I'm fairly positive the "Team" part of "Team Fortress 2" isn't exactly cosmetic, but I'm willing to let things slide as long as the target you're taking out is high priority. Nine times out of ten, it isn't. It's the experienced player flaunting his twitch skills over a newcomer just to reinforce his dick size. I can't say I'm not guilty of doing the same off the bat, but at least these days I wait until the bald skull of the slow Heavy files right in front of my laser sight.

Ding! Critical Hit!

There's little worse than being dominated, though. Although explaining it might be kind of ridiculous, the concept is tired. If I am killed over and over again by the same opponent, I become dominated. While Team Fortress 2 isn't the most serious and grim of first-person shooters, it's insulting to say the least. It's situations like that where I'm glad this class exists, though: the Spy.
The idea is simple: I want your name off of the domination insignia when I check the scores, so I'm going to kill you. I get sort of vindictive and singular-minded, so I don't choose any class that actually helps. I choose the class I know that right after I murder you, I'm going to get killed as well. I don't care about anyone else though, I want you dead. These days, my favorite disguise is a Scout. With the update out and whatnot, Scout floods are a common occurrence. I mean, spewing fire on every Scout on the field would just waste your ammo. I take my time, go the long way around while cloaked. Right when I get under the spawn, I turn it off. Just looks like a regular team-member heading to the battlefield. I walk onto the battlements and see that familiar insignia of boxing gloves clashing above the head of a Heavy. He's spewing out lead without worrying about anything behind him. No Medic, no Pyro, no Soldier, just perfect. I kind of waltz around for a little while, make it look like I'm participating in the battle, then wait for his broad shoulders to overlap my view. Stab.

ZombieFutaLuvin got REVENGE on you.

No hard feelings, just certain things are intolerable.

Anyway, a proper update will be coming soon. Lots of stuff going on this year, and we're practically on the steps of RE5's release. Should have Street Fighter IV in about a week as well. I'll write about all that in a short while, just making sure I don't seem dead.

The Great Leap Forward

So, the end of the year is coming up, and it's just a week before Christmas. While normally, I'd go on and on about what I've been doing when it comes to gaming, and I'll get to that. I also want to go on about what I'm looking forward to next year, and different things I'll be doing with the blog. I know I haven't been covering a lot of comics or music recently and have pretty much gone straight to gaming, but that'll change as soon as I actually have more music and comics to talk about. It's just been an exciting year for gaming (both new and old) with a lot to talk about.

Anyway, Persona 4 is out, and I've been playing that. I'll post more about it as I actually go in depth with it, still early on. Also, managed to grab a hold of the Resident Evil 5 demo, and I'm very excited about trying it on. I'll update with my impressions after Christmas.

As far as Christmas is concerned, I'll be getting a PSP, which means I'll be covering games for that in the future. All of the consoles save for the Wii should be getting some talk-time, so expect a broader range of updates. I'll also be focusing more on PC gaming, especially considering both Starcraft II and Diablo III will be released next year. I'll have a PC copy of Left 4 Dead very soon by way of a generous friend, and I'll be playing back through the old Fallout games, as well as other titles such as System Shock 2 and Vampire the Masquerade: Bloodlines. Hopefully, I'll pick up Oblivion and Fallout 3 at one point, so I can include neater updates involving community-made mods.

I'll also be posting pictures on this and my other blogs of how to mod a Saturn, and hopefully I'll be able to do more technical work with console modification in the future if everything goes well. This means I'll be posting more about older games some people might not've heard of or had the chance to play, and I'm excited about that.

Speaking of, I'll be recording video to compliment blogs that way the content will be a little more substantial. It'll be used to just show off general gameplay videos, or to go in detail about in-game instances that bear discussion.

At any rate, there are several titles I'm looking forward to next year. Street Fighter IV, Resident Evil 5, Starcraft II and Diablo III are a few I've already talked about, but outside of that, I'm looking forward to games like World Destruction and Infinitie Space for the DS, The Third Birthday and a few Level 5 titles for the PSP along with Patapon 2 and Monster Hunder Freedom 2G. Also, hoping a few MegaTen titles make it shore-side, such as Devil Survivor for the DS and Devil Summoner for the PS2.

Lastly, I'll also be doing a few serial articles on immersive games, such as Silent Hunter 3, Far Cry 2, Fallout, System Shock 2, STALKER and Vampire the Masquerade: Bloodlines. Hopefully, it'll be worth a laugh or interesting side-note here and there.

Also, I can see these days. Imagine that.

I BioSuck, F.U.C.K.E.R., Mesmerizing Mammaries and Feuer Frie

It's December already, and not even a week until Persona 4 finally hits store, complete with all the pre-order goodies I'll be getting with it just like you should too. I'll practically be drowned in concept art and plushies and... I'm all gay just thinking about it. It does seem like November went by quick, though. I'm sure it has nothing to do with.. y'know.



Left 4 Dead. Ok, a bit more than Left 4 Dead, but either way. I had no doubt in my mind that this game would be an instant must-have title. After the anticipation and hype, it had a lot to live up to as any game would. There was talk of a brilliant AI system known as "the Director," the binary Tarantino of the digital world, which would change playthrough every single time. There was talk of four fairly lengthy single/cooperative multiplayer maps (the higher the difficulty, the longer the experience). There was talk of thousands and thousands of zombies. Sure enough, Left 4 Dead delivered in spades, and the only gripe I was left with was that it took until 2008 for people to be able to experience something like this.

The only way to have a bad experience is to poorly choose your team-mates, and the cooperative mechanic in Left 4 Dead is what makes me love it the most. See, the Director is a huge selling point to people who're out for a fresh experience every time, but soon enough you'll be wondering why it isn't named "the Asshole" instead. One of the things that I love about L4D is the potent music. Whenever a Tank or a Witch is coming, you can hear it. Distinguished noises (voiced by Mike Patton, which no one else seems to give a fuck about. Kids these days..) give away locations so you can prepare before getting jumped. Unfortunately, the Director likes to target players who're doing particularly well, or a group who isn't being challenged enough. So, corridors that were clear the playthrough before will suddenly become a new chateau for abominations, forcing your team to adopt a new dynamic without giving you time enough to think. I'm equally glad to have that challenge as I am frustrated that it happens.


I don't think I've milked it enough yet, though. So, more on that later. Ironically, whereas Fallout 3 is definitely secured GOTY for me, I've found myself lacking the confidence to finish the game. Hours stack up by the passing day, and it's been one of the longest investments time-wise that I've had since... Well. Since Pokemon Pearl. The thought of ending my ability to free-roam in an landscape as breathtaking as the Wasteland is horrifying to me, so I've been putting it off with other games I've been needing to try for awhile now. So, prepare yourself but nothing but a list of first impressions, save for one thing: BioShock.

See, my history with first-person shooters dates back to the golden year of Unreal Tournament: Game of the Year edition's release (first and best). So, every time I load up BioShock and see that lovely marking, that it's powered by Unreal technology, I feel warm and fuzzy inside. Then, I play the game and I'm reminded of exactly why I love PC over consoles for first-person shooters. It took me a long, long time to get used to Halo's control scheme, a personal crime I'd committed after vowing never to try first-person console shooters again after trying Unreal Tournament on the Dreamcast. Naturally, I picked it up being the cunt I am and ran with it. "Press B to melee" is what's going to be marked on my silent protagonist's grave come the end of my BioShock experience. I'll find myself having accidentally infuriated a Big Daddy and strafing during a retreat to save my life before I'm inevitably put down, due to trying to whack the bastard by pressing B as fast as I can. When I realize no wrench was swung, my jaw drops and I curse my Halo 3 case for what it's done to me. I love you Rapture, just let me live long enough to get to know you.

And I don't even like Halo.

Also, I finally broke down and gave Mass Effect a try. Not that I want it to sound like a bad thing at all, but I feel compelled to say this. Mass Effect's game-play is some of the most boring I have ever endured. I can appreciate the tactical element of it, but I can't imagine how you can make a game where shoot-outs between you and a rogue alien bent on the destruction of your race becomes absolutely joyless.

On the same token though, I have to appreciate the myriad of aspects about Mass Effect that make it such a worthy addition. When I went through my Star Wars phase, the story had precisely dick to do with what captivated me. The technology and the universe(s) of Star Wars were the things that sold me. The story is similar with Mass Effect, and it really helps that it's one of the most gorgeously-rendered games available now complete with a soundtrack that's 100% KORG. Way to appeal to the scifi nerds in all of us, Bioware. I'm impressed.

Beyond that, what's got me so in love with this game is the fact that speech, unlike Fallout 3, does not sound canned at all. The options for dialog your command wheel gives you not only gives you absolute freedom to establish yourself as either the biggest cunt or saint in the universe, but it's as if the words are coming from your own mouth.

"I'm sorry to hear about what happened to James, commander."
Hm. He was a soldier, he knew what the job meant.
"It's never alright to lose soldiers, but that's what happens in a war. He was a soldier, soldiers die."
Shitting dick nipples! This hot red-headed space marine with black lipstick is me!

It may sound like an irrelevant point to make, but the strength in western RPG's is the fact that they're really role-playing games. The character stopped becoming a detached, digitized hottie at that point and became Ryan with a vagina in some weird, gender-confused universe (further evidenced by the fact that Seth Green voices a burlesque and gruff character in the first five minutes), a power that many games lack.

Outside of that, as I said earlier about Fallout 3, the survivalist aspect of the game got me interested in S.T.A.L.K.E.R. (I will never repeat it with seven periods again). The game has made me realize how unstable of an operating system Vista is, and has affirmed that I will need to build my own PC in the next few months. After tinkering with hours with STALKER's graphical setting and compatibility, there is no way that a video card with 890 MB's of video memory can so poorly process a game like STALKER. So, I finally work a matching combination by running it in compatibility mode with Windows XP SP2 and cutting the graphics all the way down with no static lighting, and it runs acceptably. However, it pains me to have such a wide open setting as brilliant as a post-nuclear Russian wasteland around Chernobyl and Pripyat readily available, but at such a low quality of graphics. Sigh.

Anyway, after starting the game, I was faced with a plethora of problems. Immediately, STALKER became one of the most frustrating games I've played in a long, long time. You start out nearly naked, your only weapon being a terrible semi-automatic pistol. Fitting of course, until you accept your first assignment. An assignment I failed for three days. At first, I thought maybe I had become accustomed to toothless challenges. I sould sight in my pistol from afar and attempt to put a few rouns into an enemy yards away, only to see my bullets veering wildly off into the distance. Seeing this attention to detail and care to make STALKER less of a testosterone-fueled Hollywood scifi-action ride and more like a fight for life was immensely satisfying, even if it resulted in my constant failure. However, I play Armored Core willingly. I'll learn, even if it involves me dying thousands of times in the process. STALKER strangely didn't seem to be getting much easier the more time I put into it. I would hide behind objects and pounce on enemies, only to empty a full clip of eight rounds in their heads to see nothing except them pulling back a shotgun and erasing my existence in two spent shells.

After one specific time I'd scored myself an AK-47, I was executed in the same style and had enough. Something was awry, so I run to town to do a little experiment. I pull out the bolts the game gives you to aid in the process of finding artifacts and start gleefully flicking them at inhabitants. 70% of the time, they would pass through the characters. That's when I realized that a good bit of my frustration is the result of abysmal collision detection. I immediately saved, shut it down and installed the Oblivion Lost mod. I don't care if it's a completely different experience, I prefer to save myself inadvertent frustration and preserve the necessary ones, like not dying in radiation-infested fields.

Another game that's been eating my time has been Mugen no Frontier: Super Robot Taisen OG Saga. Or, as us in the land of cheeseburgers and SUVs would call it when it (as far as rumors go) gets ported to America is Endless Frontier. The SRT series is notorious for making cross-over games, usually featuring mechs from anime such as Macross and Gundam. So far, only two of the series has reached North American shores due largely to licensing issues, but "original generation" means there's a good chance we could see this little gem coming to America. What makes me happiest about it is that I won't be the only shame-filled DS owner who has this game. Just look at the video.



Ass. And titties. Ass ass titties titt-erm. You get the idea.

Naturally, it'd be easy to dismiss as fanfare, but the game is fuckloads of fun. Nevermind the fact that KOSMOS finally made it to another RPG and her top manages to undo itself at random intervals, but the game-play has remaind to be incredibly entertaining around twenty-five hours in so far. Regardless of how much grinding any player can do, boss battles retain a very difficult mode to them that will have you strategizing every character's action constantly, even employing a number of mechanics used in 2D fighting games. I can only hope that the rumors are true and that Endless Frontier will see a North American release.

Finally (and strangely), I've been trying on a submarine simulator recently. Now, I'm a history buff, so it's not that outlandish that I'd try a game like this, but Silent Hunter 3 is quickly becoming one of the best surprises I've had in a long time. You play as a Nazi U-boat commander besting the odds against Allied shipping, which is historically more rough and tumble than most believed. Even beyond Winston Churchill mentioning how much he "hates those damn submarines," enlisting in submariner service on the Axis during the second World War was statistically a suicide mission. Playing Silent Hunter 3 is an almost eerie representation, specifically because of how accurate it is. You run out of air, you return for fuel, you assign crew members to repair certain parts of a damaged hull, so on and so forth.

You start out, get your boat, and you're due for training. After learning how to maneuver, it's time to test out your torpedo skills. These days, you'd be accustomed to something fancy like guidance systems. World War II wasn't the day of thhe Director AI, and Silent Hunter 3 will put you to task to make your kills and reserve yourself. You have to take into account the size of the ship, speed of the ship, angle and bearing of the ship, distance from it to you and the speed of your torpedoes. After studying this, you have to make a mathematically-based decision in order to time the trajectory just perfect to make the shot.

I failed it the first four times, totalling 24 lost torpedoes. Hitler would have been so very sad with me. Finally, one torpedo left, and I think I finally have it. I order my crew to fire as I have the test ship in my sights, and I see my torpedo barreling through the water. It's early, but it looks like a hit. Slowly, it whirrs toward my target underneath the black coat of night, and I smile widely as I see it lining up for a perfect strike on the center of the ship's hull. I can smell the burning metal I think, just as I hear a bonk. No explosions, just a metallic bonk. I zoom the camera around and see my torpedo flopping in the water towards the blackened deep. I rage my fucking face off and take my quandary to Google when I read that your torpedoes can actually malfunction. All of the frustration seemed justified, but the second I pulled off an actual hit, I practically orgasmed. It's for that sake that I refused to use the pun about submarines being immersive.

Anyway, being Christmas and the end of the year and all, let's talk about the future. Should be stocking up on some (mostly) older titles come the 25th, as well as a PSP. Along with that, I'll be checking out the mandatory titles like Patapon, Metal Gear Solid: Portable Ops, Monster Hunter 2G and what I'm most excited about, the new Parasite Eve title. It's called the Third Birthday, and from what I've read it's because it focuses more on Aya Brea instead of the events in her world. Ironically, after seeing Squeenix's 2009 schedule, this is the only thing that caught my interest. On the DS side of things, the team behind Xenogears (including composer Yasunori Mitsuda, which is a wet dream) produced an RPG already out in Japan named world destruction. Unlike other RPG's where it's up to you to save the world, the point of the game is to destroy it so you can free it from the grips of your furry overlords. Looks very promising.

I'll also be doing a bit more PC gaming, seeing as how both Diablo III and Starcraft II are slated for release next year. I'll also be checking out some oldies like Fallout 1 and 2 (which I'll be starting relatively soon) and BioShock's predecessors, System Shock 1 and 2. Also, Vampire Masquerade: Bloodlines looks pretty cool (and sexy), so I'll be giving it a shot when I get around to it.

Persona 4 in 4 days.

Wasted and Wasted in the Wasteland; Forward, Down, Down-forward and Heavy Punch

My lack of updating is appalling I'm sure, which is no small part thanks to Fallout 3. I didn't play Oblivion, and I didn't play the original Fallouts. However, something had me absolutely convinced that Fallout 3 was going to be an experience for me second only to Metal Gear Solid 4. Maybe I caught the hype-wave, maybe not.

So, a few months ago I dropped an accumulative $85 for the collector's edition. I walk into Gamestop empty-handed, and out with an unassuming lunchbox that assures me that "I'm S.P.E.C.I.A.L." As a friend notified me of, I had to've been special for loosing so much on something I was pretty unsure of in the first place. With a fervor normally relegated to either Fallout fanboys or Bethesda devotees, neither of which I am, I absorbed everything in the special edition before physically playing the game. Alas, the pesky task of actually finishing Fable II before I started Fallout 3 stood in the way. With convincing on a friend's part, the next hour of suffering Fable II's dreadful story and stifling my excitement to jump into the Wasteland could only be described as orgasm denial.

Fable II is finished, and I put in Fallout 3. What in-game music that isn't 1950's Norman Rockwell irony strikes me with a heavy feeling of militaristic foreboding, and I couldn't have been more instantaneously glued to a television screen as Liam Neeson tells me how my custom character, lovingly crafted by sifting through the longest list of beards I'd ever seen, reminds him of my mother. My dead mother.

Way to pay her looks a compliment, dad.

As I get used to the controls, I wonder how Oblivion players ever managed to complete the game without Fallout 3's V.A.T.S. system, the "Vaultec Assisted Targeting System." If you're like me and have an inclination to the cinematic and profoundly gory, this is a godsend. Combat is slowed to a crawl as the camera shift around to maximize the visual appeal of your tiny 5.56 millimeter bullet knocking thickened heads from roughneck bodies. The absolutely obtuse manner it's delivered in, coupled with your character's constantly frozen-stare is so odd that it actually grants a certain amount of charm. That's not an issue though, as you'll be immersed in the ulterior aspects of Fallout 3 without a hitch.


Of course, there's no question that Fallout 3 has quite a bit of hindering aspects about it. Once you step foot into this eerily-crafted post-apocalyptic (the only future gaming knows outside of Harvest Moon) Washington D.C., you can't help but grip a wall of strange and conflicting feelings. The setting is picture perfect, making it much more eerie for people who've actually visited the capital. After having stood on the steps of the Capitol building to curse the old cunts who ruined my country, seeing it recreated plus a few mushroom clouds ignited a blackened smirk I've rarely ever felt. You step into the burgeoning concrete-rubble of the city, and it becomes a constant showdown between you, raiders or super-mutants, exchanging bullets and hoping to whatever deity you choose that you don't have to waste your valuable items during a frivolous encounter. Or, you can escape to the outlying Wasteland, where the rural and suburban lifestyle of Washington D.C. has morphed into broken-down and rusty vehicles offering the only inhabitants, charred skeletons, a quiet seclusion. The sheer scope of exploration is massive and seemingly never loses it's appeal to wonder if this abandoned shopping mall will have limbless wanderers suspended from the ceiling by meat-hooks, or whether you'll run into a pack of feral ghouls that launch after your flesh so quickly, you barely have time to draw your flamethrower from your side.

Exploration comes with a fairly hefty drawback for petty players like myself. See, when I play a game modeled like Fallout 3, I plan every action like a vacation. Today, I'll go to Rivet City and see where ole' dad has run off to. Tomorrow, I'm going to go see exactly what the ruins of the Nuka-Cola plant have to offer me. As of now, my Fallout 3 save has logged around 40 hours, mainly due to the exploration I've done. However, the game has one gaping flaw that was hard for me to look passed once I had experienced it. The setting in Fallout 3 should not be ignored. The beautiful (in an odd way) landscape begs to be traversed, like a gamer's Kilimanjaro. However, doing so in a very meticulous manner, I had accidentally cut the story in half, forgoing many segues that I shouldn't have. It automatically ends a pertinent quests and updates it with a newer, more relevant one. In theory, you can finish the game in precisely five hours just by not going to Rivet City, and heading only slightly north-west.

Outside of that, combat is almost too clunky to be utilized outside of V.A.T.S., which is unfortunate. Fallout 3 is not forgiving when you try targeting unassisted, even with weapons meant to be used with a first-person view such as the scoped .44 magnum and the Reservist's sniper rifle. Going into battle without a full store of action points can often end in embarrassing deaths at the hands of lesser creatures, just because putting down the Deathclaw required every weapon you had in your arsenal. Along with this occasional problem is a much, much smaller issue: companion AI is beyond abysmal. Fallout fans might (emphasis) be pleased with the return of Dogmeat, the four-legged canine companion to Vault-dwellers of the past. Unfortunately, Bethesda stayed a little too close to the formula, bringing his obnoxiously dumb AI along with the ride. Several times after I acquired him, he would run off for days to retrieve a stimpak and return in the middle of a fierce battle against upwards of seven super-mutants, only to die in the middle of combat. Especially annoying was the time when I had gained over 3,000 bottlecaps after a scavenging romp, just to have him fall through the cracks of a bridge as he was walking behind me and plunge to his death. Under any normal circumstances, reloading wouldn't have been a problem. At a hefty cost of 3,000 bottlecaps, it was unacceptable at the time.


I still can't apologize enough for hitting you, Xbox 360. It's only because things are stressful right now.

All of that is forgivable in context, though. The money and time I had invested in Fallout 3 was justified during one specific event in the game. Toward the end of the story, you're required to bring back some children from a Slaver camp. Fair game, for the uninitiated and less brazen, you could just buy the kids out of lock-up after a few lengthy side-quests, no problem. Before agreeing to this request though, I thought about the time I had spent in Fallout 3 so far. Again, I'm new to the Fallout universe, but I've played Fallout 3 long enough to know that being obtuse about your quests can have more payoffs than you'd expect. See, whenever you normally decide to gun-down a town, you lose buckets of karma. These guys are slavers though, they're bad people. So, I pull out my minigun, smile as I think about my horrendously large big guns skill level, and let the barrels start to revolve. By the time I had wasted over 1,400 five millimeter bullets, the entire slave trading camp was empty of slavers. For every one of these poor bastards that I popped a head off, I gained karma. Mercilessly slaughtering everyone had turned me into a saint, and I was free to all of the loot this place had to offer. Even up until this point, I wasn't sure of whether or not my anticipation of Fallout 3 had been warranted.

However, immediately after I tell the children they're free, I notice other slaves in a separate cage. Now, all of these slaves have bomb collars. If you tell them to make a break for it, the second they hit the main gate, their heads festively pop off. I talk to a paranoid and balding black woman, peeking her head from behind a pillar and tell her that all her hopes and dreams have come true, she is finally free! With a certain glee, she ecstatically runs toward the front gate and...! Pop.

You just lost karma.


That's what makes this game worth it. No, you can't seat yourself in a rusted and grimy stall and furiously masturbate "do anything," you can selflessly rescue the children and brutally murder the adults while coming out clean "do anything." All of the drawbacks taken into consideration absolutely pale into comparison, but I am not naively going to admit that perhaps the fact I'd never played Oblivion and/or Fallout influenced how I feel. Chances are that if I'd have played Oblivion, Fallout 3 would have bored me to tears, or at least felt like an uphill battle to immerse myself in.

Now that my long-winded Fallout 3 ramble is over, I can go into the more casual aspects as of late. Immediately and most recently, I picked up Gears of War and the original Persona 3. Now, I have no reason to buy Persona 3 by itself after having picked up FES, and probably wouldn't have. However, being a newly-devoted fan, running across the complete original special edition with box, artbook, case, manual and soundtrack? When you know it's right, you know it's right. Gears of War however, I'm not entirely sure what was going through my mind.

Maybe the release of Gears of War 2 and all of the hype had me second-guessing my original feelings of the first game, but whatever that was became immediately stifled after playing an hour of the first again for only my second time. It's not that it's a terrible game, and it honestly has nothing to do with the fanbase of Gears of War (while bad, let's not forget about Halo). However, as early as reading the player's manual I realized that this game is something else entirely, as toward the end of the booklet, it suggests tips for parents to control their children's Xbox Live experience. If you can't piece together why this is laughable, you're probably part of the legion of Gears of War fans that deserve decapitation. Upon turning it on, I remembered my immense feeling of conflict. The setting is great, gameplay is good. Nothing stellar, but it's an alright playthrough. I'm not sure of the story, but from what I've read it's supposed to be a trilogy, and while I can't comment further, something tells me the shit ain't Star Wars if you catch my drift.

What put me off is that Gears of War is the epitome testosterone-filled bullheadedness that characterize practically everything I loathe about games these days. Your main character is practically a grey man amidst the rest of his contemporary video game heroes (bearing an uncanny resemblance to a character in Unreal Tournament 3), and everything that comes out of his mouth further supports detachment to him. He's a beefy roughneck who doesn't have feelings for anyone or allegiance to anything, he just wants to chainsaw machine-gun fuck his enemies through to victory. It's 90's action movie cliche after cliche, and the game supports this as it goes on. Immediately, the character's name is Fenix, which is something I can't help but laugh at. Reminiscent of all those stage-names that black metal musicians take with pride that just seem laughable to those of us with our feet firmly on the ground, a cliche name is fitting of the character considering that the world he's stuck in is a virtual cliche. I'm surprised his full name isn't Fenix Black Chainsaw Testicle Dark Slayer Rape Esquire.

I'm moderately interested in picking up Gears of War 2, if only for Horde Mode. But please, Epic games, when you make a game, listen to one blogger's lowly plea, make an epic game.

On a more positive note, I suck at games. I suck pretty hard at games. When I play Bioshock, my Halo conditioning kicks in and I press B over and over again to melee, only to realize that I've eaten through all of my health packs and subsequently die. However, if there is one genre I can claim to be consistently good with, it's 2-D fighting games. How can I back this claim up? I beat Capcom v. SNK 2. Several times. I've got a not-so-secret love affair with Street Fighter and specifically the King of Fighters and Fatal Fury series, and I've recently been rekindling old flames with the occasional jump back into the series. There's no dusting, the cogs immediately start turning as I fly around the screen with a vicious Iori Yagami, dragon-punching and special move-canceling my way to victory. Just as it makes me work for it, victory is always sweet in the short, arcade-style playthroughs. If one night-stands had that sense of accomplishment, "relationship" wouldn't be in my vocabulary. So, having picked up NEOGEO Battle Colisseum fairly recently, I decided to give it a playthrough with a friend and brother. Seeing a collective favorite of ours in Marco join the SNK fighting fold was something we could all appreciate, despite our radically different gaming backgrounds. After seeing him zombify and bear his bloody guts across the screen for a special attack, I decided to go through an all-night 2D-fighting romp. Immediately at the top of the list was the King of Fighters XI. Being a proud owner of most of the titles all the way up to XI, I've had experience with most of these familiar faces. Kyo? Brutal. K'? Stylishly merciless. Iori? Cold-blooded murder. However, I've got a love affair with a certain character that's kept me playing the King of Fighters XI for the past few days. While she's not a new addition, XI is Vanessa's second King of Fighters game, and she has since become an absolutely welcome addition. Street Fighter may have given us the dragon punch, but as King of Fighters continued, it expanded upon movesets to allow some truly unique characters with vastly different methods of play. Vanessa is a character in a completely new field. She has no fireballs, no high-gloss attacks, just her hands and feet (and delicious 2-D sprite jiggle). However, in the hands of a capable player, she's absolute murder.


Returning to Fallout 3 for the moment, though. Immediately, what I love about the game the most is the survivalist aspect of it. It's a different breed from survival horror in that the freedom is unparalleled in context to any survival horror game. You may struggle through Silent Hill, but you don't eat the radiated remains of your enemy to stay alive. After having experienced the joy of a new type of challenge, I've become interested in a game with a similar style: S.T.A.L.K.E.R.: Shadow of Chernobyl. Everything I've read about it so far has been extremely positive, so I'm hoping to pick it up soon. Of course, it's another game yours truly will be late on the draw with. Then again, I need to stop acting like I'm communicating with actual people.

Seeing as how this is getting fairly long (due in no small part to Fallout 3), I'll start to wrap it up. Eternal Poison is out today (already snagged my artbook), and Left 4 Dead is only a week away. December 9 is as alway the big P-day, and with any luck I'll have Silent Hill: Homecoming done by the end of the year. If things turn out well, I'll also be getting a PSP and a Sega Saturn before the year is out, so expect a little more material outside of 360 and PS2.